It Broke A Libtard Snowflake's Heart

Traumatized by things not even noticed by the real men of tough conservatism

Despaired over the non-stop record high temperatures and ongoing dusty, windy droughts

Lost my shit watching BigCoal CEOs refuse to remove the mercury emissions destroying baby’s brains

Felt hopeless realizing that the sacred free market priced elephants & tuna out of existence

Even got choked up at hearing all the frogs were disappearing, or getting born with extra legs

Got PTSD absorbing coverage of Islamists slaughtering pre-teen schoolgirls with automatic weapons

Gentle cows in filthy, overcrowded feedlots and bloody, inhumane slaughterhouses broke my heart

I felt really sick as Alaska burned while all the arctic permafrost melted and belched out methane

It smacked me in the gut to learn that the entire Great Barrier Reef simply bleached out and died

Devastated learning citizens still find jobs more important than the natural systems we all depend on

Depressed by the govt’s subsidizing sugar and corn for fast food and paying for the diabetes epidemic

Stunned into silence at how easily we wasted global 9-11 goodwill by invading Iraq on false pretenses

Shamed that we wont sign treaties on kids, women, land mines, cluster bombs and chemical weapons

Nauseated seeing bloated shark corpses, with their fins sawed off, just left to rot in the open seas

Realized just how lost we really are when we extinguished the tigers to make soup of their penises

Broke my heart to see salmon, key to ecological & mythical systems, dammed up and dried out

Brought to tears seeing starving polar bears drown swimming to find their melted ice hunting grounds

That joke about how free markets would compete to provide healthcare for the poor just tore me up

Got sick to my stomach seeing martyrs gunning down different sects of the same religion, at funerals

Disheartened by eternal defense spending increases even as our infrastructure rotted all around us

Dumbfounded that a being as unnatural as a radical anti-environmentalist could ever even exist

Broke my heart to see how very, very little we care that we are the cause of a global mass extinction

Shocked at our mass slaughter of brainy dolphins and mythic albatross as mere factoryfishing bycatch

Revolted by the human-created dead zone as large as Massachusetts at the mouth of the Mississippi

Haunted by the vast micro-plastic litter spinning in our ocean gyres, mistakenly eaten by microfauna

Felt alienated by their loving choice to waddle obesely about in overpriced, super-sized P/Us & SUVs

Choked on the huge portions of dishonest soundbites I was fed by all sides, from every form of media

Stung by the rejection of sustainability as mere foolishly-useless, liberal, unpatriotic, sinful nannying

Completely deflated by our attraction to royal political families and bombastic media demagogues

Hurt by the abandonment of rationality in favor of shouted soundbites & a loudly-proud ignorance

Felt betrayed by the wanton alienation of our allies in a rush to make ourselves great again, all alone

Sickened at the notion that this vast destruction we label progress must continue indefinitely, amen

Broke my heart to see them struggle on $1 a day as we idled for fast food, in air-conditioned comfort

Came unglued hearing that every year is always the hottest ever and that our people really dont care

Dumbfounded by our legislators utter failure to address any issue that might cost votes on either side

Disgusted by that bloated corporate healthcare industry draining 20% of GDP, yet still failing millions

Broke my heart seeing how senseless, worn-out religions still drive believers to righteous slaughters

When They Finally Knew

100 yards out he knew they would leave the gravel road to go flying off down into the ponderosas

as she was read the test results she felt the thoughtless life she had always known slip away forever

while they were lowering her father into the earth she realized suddenly that she was next in line

when he could no longer jog he became aware that his possibilities were forever strictly decreasing

glancing up from her call she saw the oncoming semi just before it intruded deep within her vehicle

seeing that bright light he still had one moment to remember that it meant he was passing away

helping to inter his firefighting brother he gained a terminal empathy that would never leave him

as the plane tumbled so rapidly to earth each one of them had far too long to imagine the conclusion

though they said he died instantly they could never know exactly how his consciousness had fled

for several seconds after his decapitation his eyes still saw & his brain still functioned – And he knew

the sensation of a crushing weight on his chest induced a well-founded & prophetic sense of doom

T-boned & launched from his cycle he felt cool air on his helmetless head before striking the pole

As her car filled with water she struggled to find a way out in the rapidly-shrinking air pocket

They saw the flash as a suicide bomber was remotely detonated directly in front of their tea stand

He watched, stunned, as the shooter took out several of his friends and then turned towards him

The morphine slowly overtook him and he knew this would be his last trip under – and it was OK

Grandmother grew quite calm as she somehow involuntarily accepted that her time had come at last

As a 3 year old, the approach of death under anesthesia was just another in a series of tiring dreams

The old dog lifted a tired head just in time to see the muzzle flash of his owner’s shotgun in his face

After months of unremitting pain he realized that it would never cease - at least while he was alive

Things slowly faded out given the uncontrolled bleeding induced by the IED which had taken his legs

She found herself looking down from above the table upon which they worked so feverishly upon her

After the shooting he lay surrounded by homies but the sound of the approaching ambulance dimmed

She did notice as something snapped inside her chest as the burly EMT began performing CPR on her

True Confessions: I Meant to Say That

Sure I knew my numbers guys cooked the books to pump up our stock so we could get more bonuses

We were aware that we were sucking out everyone’s precious underground water for free, to waste

No, I’m not sorry I called you an overpaid, incompetent, quota-filling, untouchable under-performer

Well, we did realize that every untested chemical we put in our products could not be as safe as milk

I was indeed quite aware that on various occasions I had misstated facts and misrepresented myself

As they signed the contract I breathed a sigh of relief over the pertinent omissions in my sales talk

Even before we ratified that treaty we had already laid our plans to dishonestly circumvent its intent

Actually, our post-police shooting riot was more about free liquor & electronics than racial injustice

We really did just say anything we were told, without any qualms, if it just helped us win an election

I honestly stated that I was very eager to clear my name, but that I had No comment on the matter

You know that time I cursed you out? I still mean every single foul phrase - Exactly as I spoke then

Yes, I’m certain that Political Correctness is mere cover for the passive-aggressive, lazy & entitled

Sure I guiltlessly played the system I condemned for all it was worth and never even tried to repair it

I did question holding the door for equally-paid female co-workers leaving early again - For their kids

Yes, we admit that we are not scientists but we also declare their research inconclusive & inaccurate

I did not misspeak at all when I eloquently and emotionally defended my previous prevarications

It was not a setup when they caught me living large off the donations from my tearful non-profit

It absolutely was not merely a shameful & one-time only moral lapse to sell my influence to lobbyists

Nobody hacked my account to contain pictures of myself with those naked young altar boys

When they caught me doing drugs with prostitutes it wasn’t the first time and…I really loved it!

You bet I really mean it every time I laugh and say we should bomb the shit out of those damn ayrabs

We sure as hell should abolish the EPA and give over all federal lands to developers, drillers & ATVs

It was no oversight that BigAg destroyed the topsoil, polluted the waters & poisoned the songbirds

Yes, we fought removing brain-damaging mercury from coal plant emissions - To keep our profits up

Certainly we scorned as ignorant imbeciles, all those losers who bought our giant overpriced pickups

I knew my client was guilty of all charges but I still got him off on an inane technicality, for a fat fee

No, I mean it: You are slow, ignorant & nasty & totally deserving of your healthcare bankruptcy

We do actually believe that the best solution to gun violence is for everyone to be armed 24x7x365

I’ll even say it again, immigrants absolutely must learn English or provide their own damn translators

Let me repeat: the unintelligent & uneducated who bristle with canned attitudes are useless losers

I really do believe we are an exceptionist people, solely entitled to the phrase ‘God Bless America!’

We actually do push an inane lie that free market healthcare would compete for the old, sick & poor

Be advised: We are righteous about spying upon all of your private activities in absolute secrecy

You can be sure I did not mean a word of the apology I was forced to make for political correctness

We really do want a border wall & to deport the illegales even as we open our arms to all Latinos

Yes, we meant to call you Moochers while we demanded your vote to save you from the Libtards

It Aint Jest That Fool Climate Change

Like that wadnt aready enuf ta make the avurege NFL fan sickta his dam stumach…

By their waya thinkin were jest drownin in all kinda like kittystrophic events jest about ta come true

They say thers some kinda global mass estintion goin on all around us and they claim were causin it

Ya got them thousandsa unregelated, manmade kemikals mixin up everwher causin cancer in babies

Yer leftwing neow-nazis believe our savur-ordained fruitfulness is outta control & overuinin the earth

Theys even wackosa tryin ta make ya blieve that $hafa triyion a year fer our dEfense is way too much

And were spossed ta pay ta fix up the shittin roads, dams, bridges, lektrik, water & innernet, too?

Like Im really worried about them stripminin the oceans and fillinem up with that micro plastic litter

Our BigAg soil stewarts wunit overuse warter, fertilizer & pesticide jist fer ther stock-based bonuses

Look, jest cuz the kids caint do percents or read leglese don’t mean they aint tamarras world leadurs

Why shud we even believe that breast milk is lousy with whoremoans from our plastic & lektronics?

I aint got time ta fret on some hoaxy clean drinkin water shortage them vegans are bawlin over now

Tetnolagy’ll solve any issues arisin over needin ta grow more food on less land fer 2bln more hindis

You bet I’m takin the threata acid in the oceans hurtin seashells real, real serious. Uh-huh.

I been losin sleep frettin over the 5 poundsa trash each of us tosses out ever day, that’s fore shore

Yeah, I almost got some time ta worry about ther habytat distruction crisis, whatever that is, anyway

But, I jest do gotta ask one more time – What’s any stinkin polar bear ever done fer me?

like they say, our lafstyle alone is robbin our kids of any chancea reachin they true potentuls: Right..

They think we caint tell butween that vast libral media conspirucy & red meat, no-spin Faux News

Ooooh, I’m like soooo worried about whatever cow antibotics creatin bugs what cud eat off my leg

Stayin up late frettin over them asiens out there stripminin the oceans – Hey! I hate fish dicks anyway

Right, like goodod Clean Coal cud somehow put whatever mercury all up in our baby’s little brains

And the Libs are tryin ta convince me that our good conservative leadrs are owned by corprations

Jest the othur day theys some wack scientest lyin bout ever gallona diesel I burn givin off 19lbsa CO₂

Anaways, I jest keep buyin up guns & ammo cuz I jest know them yella vegans wanna take em away

Oh, and, were loadin up on tofu, kale, green tea and such sh*t, too: Cuz they say its whats fer dinner

Yup, they want us ta be skinny & weak like them - But I’m takin a cue from the big boys of my NFL

We got our Medicaid & SSDI so we aint worried about no probly fishunal doctur & nurse shortages

And, the good news is, I can get me a script fer vicadin or percaset if my teeth get ta hurtin too bad

Jesus, now were spossed ta get all teary eyed about some gotdam fireflies dyin off?

Whado I care how much air pollushun them swarmin asien hords create makin producs fer Wal*Mart?

And jest what shud I do about them slum dwellers movin inta that amazon jungle & burnin it down?

Oh, and watch out! – them giant pig & chicken farms are like chokin the life outta our rivers and bays

Um, BTW, alla them skinny vegan scare tactics regardin overeatin on sugar, salt & fat – Absulute BS!

& This incume inequality biness - Jest one more socialist scare tactic ta gin up more nanny regelatin

Them ragheads aint never comin to open up on us down ta our Wal*Mart or in the Sonic drive thrus -

Cuz all we gotta do is jest bomb the shit outta them ayrabs & get on with Traditional Family Values®

Them Libral Food And Exersize Scams

So, here They go agin, ya know, tryin ta jist suck alla the fun & injoymint rite outta everbuddys lifes

Shore, like alla sudden SlimJims’ll rot yer innards & Doritas’re are fried up in all kinda poisons

They’re even sayin good old family white bread, fer god’s sake, is jest newtritunlis empty caleries

In their view, a dam Snickers bar is jest one more step down the road ta some facteryfood perdition

Yeah, like jest relaxin on the couch after another hard day at work cud somehow be relly bad faya

Rite, I monna jump up and go walk around the stupid block or do some kinda numbnut exersizin

I knew a guy who ran ever day: got hit by a pickup & knocked right outta them hunertfity buck Nikes

Really, it’s all just one more way ta try ta rob us of our sacred personal fureedoms

I betcha goodol Reagan dina eat nona that pusy-ast dam tofu or any kinda organic sprouts either

But them intrusav oneworldrs are tryin ta brainwarsh our kids regardin whatever healthy food choices

If god wanted us ta walk he wutnta gave us these awsum NASCAR/Military type pickups, now wud He?

Anyways, if that fool exersize is so good fer ya, why the heck does it feel like crap when yer doin it?

And just what biness does the govermint have all up in there in my whatever-the-hell colon, anyway?

Its like that shittin Obamacare – just one more parta them dam govt nannies wornout socialist agenda

Shore, my kids’ll jump fer joy over gettin raw oats with like figs instead of FruitLoops & Pop-Tarts

Thanks much, but I’ll jest stick with my goodod double beef bacon cheeseburgers & supersized fries

But, don’t fergit jest how deadly that innocent lookin and utterly deelicious piecea salami really is

Yup, and you gotta learn ta love ta grind on such ass nasty weeds as brussel sprouts, kale & brocolli

Don’t you dare be drinkin any more of them icy-cool, free-refill 44oz Big Gulps ever agin, either

So now you jest get on up outta here and go start jumpin around at that zoombabwe or whatever it is

Oh, geez & they’re all upset about what like 50 ingredient factory food might do ta their medytation

Right, as if gettin the cheapest price on real family food wadn’t the only smart way ta shop grocreys

Yup, perty soon I’ll be runnin out ta get tha ol lady apaira size 18 yogi paints…yeah, real soon now

They got the balls ta say that family-friendly food perducers have loaded up our carts with chemykals

And, can you imagine? Now ther even sayin that good od-fashyuned sugar is actually a deadly poison?

Right, and a refreshin icy cold beer aint nethin but empty brain-damagin fat-producin calories, either

Sure, & perty soon I’ll really start enjoyin puffin and sweatin like hell while my whole body aches

Yup: onct were all a buncha skinny, tired vegans that vast liberal conspiracy takeovr’ll be a lot easier

I Never Grew Up & I Ain’t Ashamed

Never outgrew my boyish love of those loud exhaust pipes filling the air with their thick, black smoke

The noise and smell of any type of explosives from firecrackers to AK-47s still quickens my heart

Drivin my giant diesel pickup all alone reminds me of my bug-eyed boyhood lovea big red firetrucks

Don’t need to spend time studying the issues any more than I needed to pay any attention in school

Like always, if it tastes good like hot dogs I’ll eat it and to hell with your squirrelly rabbit health food

I still get my kicks watching the big boys knock hell out of each other and now I lay on my own couch

Them intrusive gov’t over-regelaters sure do remind me of my stupid elementary school teachers

I’m living proof that kids don’t have to read books all the dam time to get ahead here in the USA

I’m still being socialized by television, only now it’s good old Faux News instead of just kids TV ads

As the super-rich taught us – being greedy is really just the patriotic pursuit of individual happiness

Yup, and that share and share alike business? That’s just tired socialist pabulum for the Moochers

My lifetime selfishness is still right as rain in this survival of the fittest world we all have to live in

Still running wild and free out in the woods, only now I’m on my dirt bike, snowmobile or ATV

Was taught to put women up on a pedestal so I’m still quite respectful of them topless table dancers

Even though the nannies have always tried to take them all away, I love my guns more than ever now

Thanks to many years spent playing War, I’m ready to bomb the shitake outta any country in our way

When I put on my $200 official NFL jersey I often think back on the boyhood sports I almost played

I only wish we could still beat the crap out of the queers and geeks for fun, just like we used to

My daddy taught us how to fish and I really love going out in my 300 hp bass boat with a case of beer

I’ll tell you what, my dam checking account is as empty as that lame piggy bank ever was - & it’s OK!

I still hate asparagus, broccoli and that type of sh*t, but now I don’t have to eat it to get my dessert

Yup, and I graduated from teeny cans of coke to them 44 oz Big Gulps I always watched Daddy drink

I never liked cleaning up my bedroom so now I leave whatever I want to, out in the front yard

And aint nobody gonna make me go do like calisthenics or any st00pid exercising no more, no how

It’s totally clear now that I never did need to give a dam about all them whatever hindis & fukistanis

And the greenies still cant tell me - What has any stinking polar bear ever done for me?

I put my trash back to the earth just like I always did – I dump it all wherever I’m done with it

People shouting & fighting remain far more interesting than whatever boring reasonable discussions

Now I can carry on anytime, as loud as I want with my bros, specially when we’re havin a few beers

Dont have to wait fer $XMAS ta go charge off whatever new electronic or 4x4 goodie I really want

Still don’t see any reason ta spend half my dam life brushing my teeth or even ever go to the dentist

And I’m as badass as ever despite the bum knees, twisted shoulder, pre-diabetes and sore back

Listen, I really don’t care if I cain’t never figger out the change I got coming from a $20 bill

I still don’t give a dam about whatever 25% off actually means, cuz I know a good deal when I see it

I’ve never forgotten the fact that I am a very entitled citizen of an extremely exceptionist people

And my ideals of jesus christ and His paradise that awaits me are jest as clear now as they ever been

The Way We Weren't

And, Unfortunately, it's not my legacy, either

Aware of the vast emptiness surrounding us, we carefully manage & protect our fragile life capsule

We all know we must preserve the complex and interrelated systems which support our very survival

All of us realize it took literally billions of years to prepare our life-sustaining travel environment

Everyone is aware how razor thin is the clear atmosphere that separates us from deadly empty space

No one would question protecting our finite and precious water stores from waste and pollution

Our children learn from tender ages of the incredible wonder of this tiny sphere that supports us

In preserving it, we know we protect ourselves, and yet, we know we are still fallible in this respect

Therefore, we monitor earthly systems with the same care we lavish upon our own tiny space probes

We orbit our sun as it moves around the Milky Way as it travels through a vast & expanding universe

Our duty is to ensure generations invisible in the future come to witness what we cannot now foresee

We would never dream of tinkering with the chemical composition of the only air we all must breath

Aware of the disastrous effects our own overpopulation would bring on, we self-regulate our numbers

No one would dream of sacrificing any of our finite resources just to turn a quick & one-time profit

Our free market does not permit consumer demand to drive fellow traveling species to extinction

In our economic model, profitability must always include environmental sustainability costs

We all know we cannot afford to choke ourselves to death upon our own wastes and emissions

Our oceans are not common spaces, open for everyone to foul and abuse without any responsibility

It would be unthinkable for anyone to mine precious metals using toxic chemicals & then walk away

Consumer water, energy and trash costs increase with their usage as economic disincentives

Manufacturers matter-of-factly take responsibility for their packaging as well as worn out products

War is not an option due to its horrible effects on every side’s one and only earthly survival shelter

Private citizens assiduously monitor vital local air, water & soil conditions, all around the globe

Knowing non-renewable petroleum-based plastics pose long-term threats, there is no such litter

Our forests are tended as carefully as our gardens & the deserts are as clean as our own backyards

Agriculture is not the province of greedy CEOs abusing H₂O, pesticides & fertilizer - Just for bonuses

Government doesn’t pay for diseases caused by chemical-laden food full of subsidized sugar & fat

Domestic animals are not factory input whose production wastes precious resources & fouls the earth

Our scientists are not ridiculed by politicians and their media for research contrary to corpro-donors

Anti-environmentalism is seen as a rare & bizarre form of suicidal tendency and treated accordingly

No Back-To-Nature movement will ever stir us, for we have never lost our place in the order of things

From an early age we are all aware of the finite provisions we carry with us on this cosmic journey

Thus, we carefully conserve wild places to preserve clean water, good air and a sustaining biome

We know we were not assigned to take dominion over all creation by a god of our own imagination

We don’t know if we possess eternal souls but realize that all creatures either do, or do not

None of us assign to His mysterious ways the lack of meaning for the tragic events that must occur

We all sense our capsule’s incredible tininess & fragility in the scale of the eternal infinite void

Arm All Our Children, All The Time!

- But still, watch out for terrorists wearing suicide vests and truck bombers, too

TV doctors will recommend that parents tuck in infants with a sidearm cradled in their tiny fingers

Pre-school graduation shall be federally mandated to include earning a concealed carry permit

All kindergartners must drill on opening up in unison on fellow student shooters in their classrooms

The NRA shall set national standards for training & equipping children to counter school massacres

Gun lobby research will show deranged shooters will kill fewer when all potential victims are armed

One entitlement we certainly can afford is to ensure that no child is left...without a working firearm

And the security check at the school gate will guarantee that each toddler arrives locked & loaded

Target practice will be a mandatory part of our schools renewed physical education curriculum

When children get big enough, they can begin carrying assault rifles on their school backpacks as well

Proper training at home and school ensures that kids will never shoot each other over minor disputes

Our offspring won’t play with guns: Theirs will be serious training to help ensure domestic tranquility

Immediate mass youth justice for using firearms in illegal activity will cut our crime rate way down

Community playgrounds will be upgraded to have mini shooting ranges for our liberty-minded tykes

Inner-city youths will also take part, unless they are killed using their guns to commit crimes

8 year old girls can play house with new scenarios in which they neutralize nasty dollhouse invaders

Boys can play-practice sacrifice, taking a bullet in order to get off a kill shot on a schoolroom shooter

Designers will create pink guns with flowers anodized on the barrel to charm elementary school girls

Kids will clamor for the coolest fall fashions in all-day bullet-proof vests prior to every school year

Teens can really set themselves apart with their selection of death-metal weaponry and body armor

A huge youth market will open up for personalized weapons & ammo, much like tattoos and piercings

Families out for dinner can all lay their weapons out on the table where they’re easy to grab & fire

See the happy kids riding their bikes safely to school all by themselves, each one packing heavy lead

Kids down to Wal*Mart with their moms are ever ready to neutralize any threat with deadly force

Santa’s traditional outfit includes a nice wide leather belt - With a shiny .45 in a quick access holster

See the little ones bow their heads in hardened churches, each one armed against potential infidels

They are drilled to duck & roll, lie very still & play dead until they can safely return a deadly fire

Families stroll malls in patrol formation, alert to the clear & present threat of the armed & deranged

See them in a grocery cart, already scanning left & right for the odd mentally-deranged sharpshooter

Kids from good families caught out unarmed with friends will only be given a warning – The first time

Schools, churches & rec centers will be provided with weapons caches for active shooter situations

Going steady teens can exchange personalized gender-themed weapons for all their friends to see

Little libertarians everywhere will do parents proud with a perpetually-armed & angry preparedness

The oft-heard sound of automatic weapon fire will draw trained, armed kids in, like moths to a flame

Why, our children will grow up hearing so much live ammunition that they’ll be quite calm under fire

Those few, unavoidable, psychotic mass killings cannot alter our wise commitment to universal arms

So, onward for cradle to grave, 24x7x365, universal, heavily-armed, law-abiding citizen self-defense

There’s Nothing To Be Afraid Of

Don’t worry, your kids wont ever get any coal-fired mercury in their tender, developing young brains

None of the thousands of unregulated, manmade chemicals in our environment are actually harmful

Take it easy, you’re not likely to get one of those increasingly-common but incurable MRSA infections

Relax, they’ll get around to fixing the roads, dams, bridges, electric, water & internet real soon now

You’re going to have plenty of retirement savings to ensure great happiness during your golden years

There’s no way that you’ll be one of those forced into bankruptcy by obscenely huge healthcare bills

Stop fretting that Muslim fanatics will ever again kill thousands here in this, the land of the free

Just you keep on eating the stuff you really like and don’t worry about the calories or the ingredients

Listen, that climate change thing…It’s not going to affect you in the very least, so just forget about it

Chill out man, you can start exercising anytime, but Hey, it’ll never really come down to that…

Yeah, there’ll always be plenty of good, clean drinking water, even if it does all come out of bottles

No, no, no! – Our consumer choices do not deny our precious children their full & glorious potentials

Whoa there partner, they’re never going to peel that semi-automatic out of your cold, dead fingers

Nobody & I mean No-Body, is going to force you to live on carrots, kale, tofu, rice, beans & weak tea

Calm down, they can’t make you take part in that worthless, messy, time-consuming recycling scam

Not to worry – You’ll be able to glory in all your fav team’s triumphs in HD - From up there in heaven

Slow down, neighborhood fracking yields a virtuous energy independence, without any health threats

It’s OK, terrorists aren’t going to burst into your little girl’s classroom with AK47s blazing for Allah

No need to panic, the stock market is quite safe and very profitable, in the, umm, really long run…

Well, of course your kids are always going to like you – As long as you uncritically pay for everything

Don’t be afraid, UN black helicopters aren’t coming in the night to steal our precious sovereignty

You needn’t ever concern yourself with the future of the poor, bastard kids you saved from abortion

Look, even though they call you Moochers, they alone still have only your best interests at heart

Now, now, now, just you wait and see what happens to those sinful LGBTs from up in your heaven

No need to get upset just because all the world’s fisheries have already crossed the brink of collapse

Those giant whatever ocean gyres circulating tons of plastic trash? Not a threat to your happy family

It’s all right, this manmade global mass extinction going on all around isn’t coming to your back yard

Ease up, Mom. Your kids don’t need to read & write to claim their role as tomorrow’s world leaders

Chillax pal, swarms of refugees won’t ever be trundling their filthy belongings down your street

Mellow out, you’ve got lots of time for those things that really matter that you’ve put off for so long

Don’t be anxious – elected leaders heed your letters, not just their massive corporate donor’s dollars

We’re not going to stop spending half a trillion$ per year on defense anytime soon, so lighten up

Simmer down folks, your mothers breast milk is not actually contaminated with manmade hormones

There’s no substance whatever to their utter blasphemy that human overpopulation threatens us all

That’ll never be you there, lying all pale & rumpled, with tubes going in and out & eyes shrunken in

Kick back, stop & smell the roses, live for today, for tomorrow never comes & you wont have to pay

They Would Never...Right?

Each unbelievably-foolish and insane new revelation enables the next, even more incredible barbarism to take place

Surely CEOs don’t actually believe that they’re worth 373 times what their average employee makes

Folks would not knowingly consume enough sugar, fat, salt and chemical additives to kill themselves

Companies wouldn’t put hormone-mimicking chemicals in cosmetics & then refuse to remove them

Nobody modifies a pickup computer just to spew clouds of diesel smoke on the hybrids behind them

The government would have no real reason to track all of our communications – In absolute secrecy

Nobody in their right mind would run amok creating new AWD trails in everyone’s national forests

We would never let our electric, water, internet, dam and road infrastructure go third world, Right?

No one could be stupid enough to believe that a helmet law violates their sacred personal freedom

The righteous could not deny a poor, unwed teen birth control and totally ignore her innocent child

Big Coal would have quickly halted mercury emissions if it were found they even might hurt your kids

Kindly frackers simply wouldn’t contaminate any of our water with secret but carcinogenic chemicals

Congressmen are not sucking up to bribing lobbyists & campaign donors while ignoring all our letters

Western states wouldn’t foolishly agree to share way more Colorado River water than actually exists

Having everyone armed everywhere, all the time really isn’t the only way to stop mass murders, is it?

Fossil fuel oligarchs don’t use the identical tactics & lawyers as Big Tobacco - Against climate change

No way would an aggrieved minority loot liquor & electronics stores and call it a civil rights protest

No true leaders would demand fabricated evidence to go to war & later claim they were misinformed

Our Jeffersonian ideals regarding political service will always prevent elected royal families here

Surely there is no place for twisted political pettifoggery regarding globally-vetted climate research

No god could demand that His faithful burst into innocent girl’s classrooms with their AK-47s blazing

Our duty to be fruitful & multiply could not result in our destructive & unsustainable overpopulation

God’s edict that we be good stewards of the earth precludes us ever causing a global mass extinction

Doctors wouldn’t order extra tests to cover their legal butts and to grab extra Fee For Service money

Of course we will not totally destroy all the earth’s food-producing topsoil within the next 60 years

Big Pharma would never try to influence studies on their new drugs - Even though they pay for them

Not even the most devout Jihadi would pray to get closer to Allah thru the rape of a 12 y/o sex slave

None of us could be base enough to get rich scamming our revered seniors out of their life savings

BigAg stewards simply would not overapply water, pesticides & herbicides - Just to pump stock prices

Real estate professionals never knowingly omit important details or gloss over potential problems

Our wise CEOs take a far longer perspective than the quarterly stock price their bonuses are based on

Just because it’s legal, Corporate labs wouldn’t introduce 1000s of chemicals without health testing

Surely, in a truly free market, insurers would at last fiercely compete to sell to the old, sick or poor

Women earning equally don’t expect us to hold the door for them to leave early again - For our kids

It’s impossible that foreign healthcare outcomes are better than ours since we spend so much more

Politicians & advertisers would never destroy the social unity created by all of us speaking English

Surely no one would accept any religion when so many claim to be the only one with the ear of God

Towards A Market-Based Social Conscience

True advertising-driven, open oligarchy-based competition, freed of government regulation would optimally solve all social issues

BigAg conglomerates compete to sustainably produce safe food to meet a swelling consumer demand

Coal-fired power plant owners race each other to reduce mercury & CO₂ emissions the fastest

There is an intense competition among healthcare insurers to win over the old, the sick and the poor

Meat producers strive to outdo each other in providing sanitary and dignified rendering procedures

Aware the market is alert, no company silently releases untested new chemicals in their products

One food packer cannot reduce container sizes but not lower prices, without losing market share…

Timber harvesters end clearcutting once consumers learn of its devastating effect on watersheds

Consumer choices foil frackers using secret carcinogens just to export our Energy Independence

Gun violence is curtailed via a far wider & more effective marketing of firearms to everyone

After further tax cuts, the rich fight over the multi-generational poor to fill their new menial jobs

Consumers reduce demand for any tasty seafood species that even might begin to be over-fished

Corporations fund any basic research needed for their unknown breakthrough products of tomorrow

If habitat preservation had any actual value, companies would be vying to perform the most of it

The only money to be made on climate change lies in repairing its damage – No prevention necessary

BigPharma firms compete unselfishly to create cheap, low-profit, short-term prescription antibiotics

Regulating inexpensive & disposable illegal laborers would only raise costs for businesses & families

Surely privatizing Social Security would unleash the benefits of financial innovation upon all citizens

All the charismatic mega-fauna are in a battle for survival - Based solely on their appeal to us

Even as we speak, market forces are converging to clean up those giant oceanic plastic garbage gyres

There is no direct cost associated with a greenhouse gas emission, thus it is not an economic problem

When clients actually prefer kale salads to doublemeat-bacon cheeseburgers, vendors will offer them

It’s choice, not marketing, that drives fat men to flock in lumbering pickups to their tiny cubicle jobs

Abolishing the EPA would free the market to efficiently solve any real so-called environmental issues

Impending Western water shortage? Let private entrepreneurs compete to meet everyone’s needs

Swaying voters opinions is inefficient: Elections should simply be based on dollar amounts raised

Smog regulation is an unnecessary, expensive, job-killing gov’t infringement of zero economic value

Consumer demand is driving a new market for mitigating our nation’s 500,000 abandoned mines

Privatized, for-profit education is certainly proving far superior to our current foundering system

If this anthropogenic global mass extinction had any ill effect on our GDP, the market would curb it

Competition to buy sponsored content ensures a real discussion of the issues by an educated public

The disincentive of poverty without any entitlements would drive people to compete to get real jobs

Demand alone is forcing poultry producers to reduce the foul runoff that has eutrophified our waters

Effective marketing by for-profit health clubs will soon ensure a physically fit & healthy population

Global Multinat competition is surely bringing an end to any possible consumer overpopulation issues

If war were not so highly-profitable, it is certain that market forces would have eliminated it by now

Finally, it’s a proven scientific fact that gov’t regulation only stifles our great nation’s innovation