It Aint Jest That Fool Climate Change

Like that wadnt aready enuf ta make the avurege NFL fan sickta his dam stumach…

By their waya thinkin were jest drownin in all kinda like kittystrophic events jest about ta come true

They say thers some kinda global mass estintion goin on all around us and they claim were causin it

Ya got them thousandsa unregelated, manmade kemikals mixin up everwher causin cancer in babies

Yer leftwing neow-nazis believe our savur-ordained fruitfulness is outta control & overuinin the earth

Theys even wackosa tryin ta make ya blieve that $hafa triyion a year fer our dEfense is way too much

And were spossed ta pay ta fix up the shittin roads, dams, bridges, lektrik, water & innernet, too?

Like Im really worried about them stripminin the oceans and fillinem up with that micro plastic litter

Our BigAg soil stewarts wunit overuse warter, fertilizer & pesticide jist fer ther stock-based bonuses

Look, jest cuz the kids caint do percents or read leglese don’t mean they aint tamarras world leadurs

Why shud we even believe that breast milk is lousy with whoremoans from our plastic & lektronics?

I aint got time ta fret on some hoaxy clean drinkin water shortage them vegans are bawlin over now

Tetnolagy’ll solve any issues arisin over needin ta grow more food on less land fer 2bln more hindis

You bet I’m takin the threata acid in the oceans hurtin seashells real, real serious. Uh-huh.

I been losin sleep frettin over the 5 poundsa trash each of us tosses out ever day, that’s fore shore

Yeah, I almost got some time ta worry about ther habytat distruction crisis, whatever that is, anyway

But, I jest do gotta ask one more time – What’s any stinkin polar bear ever done fer me?

like they say, our lafstyle alone is robbin our kids of any chancea reachin they true potentuls: Right..

They think we caint tell butween that vast libral media conspirucy & red meat, no-spin Faux News

Ooooh, I’m like soooo worried about whatever cow antibotics creatin bugs what cud eat off my leg

Stayin up late frettin over them asiens out there stripminin the oceans – Hey! I hate fish dicks anyway

Right, like goodod Clean Coal cud somehow put whatever mercury all up in our baby’s little brains

And the Libs are tryin ta convince me that our good conservative leadrs are owned by corprations

Jest the othur day theys some wack scientest lyin bout ever gallona diesel I burn givin off 19lbsa CO₂

Anaways, I jest keep buyin up guns & ammo cuz I jest know them yella vegans wanna take em away

Oh, and, were loadin up on tofu, kale, green tea and such sh*t, too: Cuz they say its whats fer dinner

Yup, they want us ta be skinny & weak like them - But I’m takin a cue from the big boys of my NFL

We got our Medicaid & SSDI so we aint worried about no probly fishunal doctur & nurse shortages

And, the good news is, I can get me a script fer vicadin or percaset if my teeth get ta hurtin too bad

Jesus, now were spossed ta get all teary eyed about some gotdam fireflies dyin off?

Whado I care how much air pollushun them swarmin asien hords create makin producs fer Wal*Mart?

And jest what shud I do about them slum dwellers movin inta that amazon jungle & burnin it down?

Oh, and watch out! – them giant pig & chicken farms are like chokin the life outta our rivers and bays

Um, BTW, alla them skinny vegan scare tactics regardin overeatin on sugar, salt & fat – Absulute BS!

& This incume inequality biness - Jest one more socialist scare tactic ta gin up more nanny regelatin

Them ragheads aint never comin to open up on us down ta our Wal*Mart or in the Sonic drive thrus -

Cuz all we gotta do is jest bomb the shit outta them ayrabs & get on with Traditional Family Values®

Them Libral Food And Exersize Scams

So, here They go agin, ya know, tryin ta jist suck alla the fun & injoymint rite outta everbuddys lifes

Shore, like alla sudden SlimJims’ll rot yer innards & Doritas’re are fried up in all kinda poisons

They’re even sayin good old family white bread, fer god’s sake, is jest newtritunlis empty caleries

In their view, a dam Snickers bar is jest one more step down the road ta some facteryfood perdition

Yeah, like jest relaxin on the couch after another hard day at work cud somehow be relly bad faya

Rite, I monna jump up and go walk around the stupid block or do some kinda numbnut exersizin

I knew a guy who ran ever day: got hit by a pickup & knocked right outta them hunertfity buck Nikes

Really, it’s all just one more way ta try ta rob us of our sacred personal fureedoms

I betcha goodol Reagan dina eat nona that pusy-ast dam tofu or any kinda organic sprouts either

But them intrusav oneworldrs are tryin ta brainwarsh our kids regardin whatever healthy food choices

If god wanted us ta walk he wutnta gave us these awsum NASCAR/Military type pickups, now wud He?

Anyways, if that fool exersize is so good fer ya, why the heck does it feel like crap when yer doin it?

And just what biness does the govermint have all up in there in my whatever-the-hell colon, anyway?

Its like that shittin Obamacare – just one more parta them dam govt nannies wornout socialist agenda

Shore, my kids’ll jump fer joy over gettin raw oats with like figs instead of FruitLoops & Pop-Tarts

Thanks much, but I’ll jest stick with my goodod double beef bacon cheeseburgers & supersized fries

But, don’t fergit jest how deadly that innocent lookin and utterly deelicious piecea salami really is

Yup, and you gotta learn ta love ta grind on such ass nasty weeds as brussel sprouts, kale & brocolli

Don’t you dare be drinkin any more of them icy-cool, free-refill 44oz Big Gulps ever agin, either

So now you jest get on up outta here and go start jumpin around at that zoombabwe or whatever it is

Oh, geez & they’re all upset about what like 50 ingredient factory food might do ta their medytation

Right, as if gettin the cheapest price on real family food wadn’t the only smart way ta shop grocreys

Yup, perty soon I’ll be runnin out ta get tha ol lady apaira size 18 yogi paints…yeah, real soon now

They got the balls ta say that family-friendly food perducers have loaded up our carts with chemykals

And, can you imagine? Now ther even sayin that good od-fashyuned sugar is actually a deadly poison?

Right, and a refreshin icy cold beer aint nethin but empty brain-damagin fat-producin calories, either

Sure, & perty soon I’ll really start enjoyin puffin and sweatin like hell while my whole body aches

Yup: onct were all a buncha skinny, tired vegans that vast liberal conspiracy takeovr’ll be a lot easier

Alternatively-Gifted, Like Me

I’m one of the multi-generational, alternatively-gifted kids without any type of a HeadStart program

None of my school teachers expected anything of me but they still always bumped me right on thru

I was denied any opportunity to take the fancy AP classes so I socialized away my time in high school

The army shunted me straight into the Infantry without any possibility for Officer Candidate School

It’s just not fair that their fancy STEMI education programs blatantly exclude the regular kids like me

Til now, we never even dreamed of demanding our rights to a fair share of the knowledge-based jobs

Politicos have always stoked our hopes & fears while letting us be outsourced as disposable moochers

Advertisers have conned us for generations with cleverly-misleading lines & whatever 25% off means

Slower to suckup & shoulderclimb that corpro-ladder, at last we call for our own Affirmative Action

No more being taken advantage of just because we don’t talk as fast or as convincingly as our leaders

We’ve been slaves, grunts & laborers since time immemorial but now - We demand boardroom seats

It’s very prejudiced that so many more of us go to jail simply because our crimes are easier to solve

My teachers nudged me off the route to college but offered me no alternative path to the good life

They keep us in line with pro sports, loud pickups, cheap beer and 8 grocery store snack food aisles

But we didnt get those bonuses, free health, dental & vision coverage at our low-skill, dead-end jobs

They did fill us with a violent patriotism & dead certainty that we should dump our trash in the creek

Look, just because I’m not a good reader doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be in that big corner office

There’s only 0.1% of high-powered CEOS with IQs in the range I’m advocating for…and it’s just wrong!

I mean, we represent well over half the population but have less than 12% of the nation’s wealth

Put me in a $thousand suit & I could be going to all like them big meetings & power lunches, too

But, Nao, they’re just holding us down because of different type connections between our brain cells

It just isn’t right & it must stop – I mean the disabled have the ADA, so where’s our promotion quota?

We’ll be petitioning for our own national holiday or at least something similar to black history month

& leaders must stop allowing the alternatively-gifted to also remain ignorant just to control us easier

They absolutely must replace the 20 pages of tiny legalese with little pictures, like on our cellphones

We might yet realize there’s more to human potential than pickups, snowmachines, ATVs and jetskis

The deck has always been stacked against us in this evil Social Darwinism that pervades all societies

Look, we demand reparations for our historic & ongoing enslavement at the hands of those in power

Listen, this intelligence bias is dealt blindly to all races, genders, sexual orientations and age groups

Yes, and what of all the People of size who must fight Unintelligence Intolerance at the same time?

And the billions of the Appearance-Impaired who also struggle against prejudical intelligence norms?

We’re not even going into the blatant IQ bias & crude sexism in that host of dumb-blonde jokes

So why is it then, that our smoking, drinking & obesity rates are so high? Discrimination, that’s why!

The only ones of us allowed economic equality are those with that smiling fanatical salesman’s greed

It’s all part of the embedded unintelligentism permeating our narrow-minded societal pecking order

This world must be simplified in our image so we can finally begin to have our fair share of success!