I Never Grew Up & I Ain’t Ashamed

Never outgrew my boyish love of those loud exhaust pipes filling the air with their thick, black smoke

The noise and smell of any type of explosives from firecrackers to AK-47s still quickens my heart

Drivin my giant diesel pickup all alone reminds me of my bug-eyed boyhood lovea big red firetrucks

Don’t need to spend time studying the issues any more than I needed to pay any attention in school

Like always, if it tastes good like hot dogs I’ll eat it and to hell with your squirrelly rabbit health food

I still get my kicks watching the big boys knock hell out of each other and now I lay on my own couch

Them intrusive gov’t over-regelaters sure do remind me of my stupid elementary school teachers

I’m living proof that kids don’t have to read books all the dam time to get ahead here in the USA

I’m still being socialized by television, only now it’s good old Faux News instead of just kids TV ads

As the super-rich taught us – being greedy is really just the patriotic pursuit of individual happiness

Yup, and that share and share alike business? That’s just tired socialist pabulum for the Moochers

My lifetime selfishness is still right as rain in this survival of the fittest world we all have to live in

Still running wild and free out in the woods, only now I’m on my dirt bike, snowmobile or ATV

Was taught to put women up on a pedestal so I’m still quite respectful of them topless table dancers

Even though the nannies have always tried to take them all away, I love my guns more than ever now

Thanks to many years spent playing War, I’m ready to bomb the shitake outta any country in our way

When I put on my $200 official NFL jersey I often think back on the boyhood sports I almost played

I only wish we could still beat the crap out of the queers and geeks for fun, just like we used to

My daddy taught us how to fish and I really love going out in my 300 hp bass boat with a case of beer

I’ll tell you what, my dam checking account is as empty as that lame piggy bank ever was - & it’s OK!

I still hate asparagus, broccoli and that type of sh*t, but now I don’t have to eat it to get my dessert

Yup, and I graduated from teeny cans of coke to them 44 oz Big Gulps I always watched Daddy drink

I never liked cleaning up my bedroom so now I leave whatever I want to, out in the front yard

And aint nobody gonna make me go do like calisthenics or any st00pid exercising no more, no how

It’s totally clear now that I never did need to give a dam about all them whatever hindis & fukistanis

And the greenies still cant tell me - What has any stinking polar bear ever done for me?

I put my trash back to the earth just like I always did – I dump it all wherever I’m done with it

People shouting & fighting remain far more interesting than whatever boring reasonable discussions

Now I can carry on anytime, as loud as I want with my bros, specially when we’re havin a few beers

Dont have to wait fer $XMAS ta go charge off whatever new electronic or 4x4 goodie I really want

Still don’t see any reason ta spend half my dam life brushing my teeth or even ever go to the dentist

And I’m as badass as ever despite the bum knees, twisted shoulder, pre-diabetes and sore back

Listen, I really don’t care if I cain’t never figger out the change I got coming from a $20 bill

I still don’t give a dam about whatever 25% off actually means, cuz I know a good deal when I see it

I’ve never forgotten the fact that I am a very entitled citizen of an extremely exceptionist people

And my ideals of jesus christ and His paradise that awaits me are jest as clear now as they ever been

Arm All Our Children, All The Time!

- But still, watch out for terrorists wearing suicide vests and truck bombers, too

TV doctors will recommend that parents tuck in infants with a sidearm cradled in their tiny fingers

Pre-school graduation shall be federally mandated to include earning a concealed carry permit

All kindergartners must drill on opening up in unison on fellow student shooters in their classrooms

The NRA shall set national standards for training & equipping children to counter school massacres

Gun lobby research will show deranged shooters will kill fewer when all potential victims are armed

One entitlement we certainly can afford is to ensure that no child is left...without a working firearm

And the security check at the school gate will guarantee that each toddler arrives locked & loaded

Target practice will be a mandatory part of our schools renewed physical education curriculum

When children get big enough, they can begin carrying assault rifles on their school backpacks as well

Proper training at home and school ensures that kids will never shoot each other over minor disputes

Our offspring won’t play with guns: Theirs will be serious training to help ensure domestic tranquility

Immediate mass youth justice for using firearms in illegal activity will cut our crime rate way down

Community playgrounds will be upgraded to have mini shooting ranges for our liberty-minded tykes

Inner-city youths will also take part, unless they are killed using their guns to commit crimes

8 year old girls can play house with new scenarios in which they neutralize nasty dollhouse invaders

Boys can play-practice sacrifice, taking a bullet in order to get off a kill shot on a schoolroom shooter

Designers will create pink guns with flowers anodized on the barrel to charm elementary school girls

Kids will clamor for the coolest fall fashions in all-day bullet-proof vests prior to every school year

Teens can really set themselves apart with their selection of death-metal weaponry and body armor

A huge youth market will open up for personalized weapons & ammo, much like tattoos and piercings

Families out for dinner can all lay their weapons out on the table where they’re easy to grab & fire

See the happy kids riding their bikes safely to school all by themselves, each one packing heavy lead

Kids down to Wal*Mart with their moms are ever ready to neutralize any threat with deadly force

Santa’s traditional outfit includes a nice wide leather belt - With a shiny .45 in a quick access holster

See the little ones bow their heads in hardened churches, each one armed against potential infidels

They are drilled to duck & roll, lie very still & play dead until they can safely return a deadly fire

Families stroll malls in patrol formation, alert to the clear & present threat of the armed & deranged

See them in a grocery cart, already scanning left & right for the odd mentally-deranged sharpshooter

Kids from good families caught out unarmed with friends will only be given a warning – The first time

Schools, churches & rec centers will be provided with weapons caches for active shooter situations

Going steady teens can exchange personalized gender-themed weapons for all their friends to see

Little libertarians everywhere will do parents proud with a perpetually-armed & angry preparedness

The oft-heard sound of automatic weapon fire will draw trained, armed kids in, like moths to a flame

Why, our children will grow up hearing so much live ammunition that they’ll be quite calm under fire

Those few, unavoidable, psychotic mass killings cannot alter our wise commitment to universal arms

So, onward for cradle to grave, 24x7x365, universal, heavily-armed, law-abiding citizen self-defense