It Broke A Libtard Snowflake's Heart

Traumatized by things not even noticed by the real men of tough conservatism

Despaired over the non-stop record high temperatures and ongoing dusty, windy droughts

Lost my shit watching BigCoal CEOs refuse to remove the mercury emissions destroying baby’s brains

Felt hopeless realizing that the sacred free market priced elephants & tuna out of existence

Even got choked up at hearing all the frogs were disappearing, or getting born with extra legs

Got PTSD absorbing coverage of Islamists slaughtering pre-teen schoolgirls with automatic weapons

Gentle cows in filthy, overcrowded feedlots and bloody, inhumane slaughterhouses broke my heart

I felt really sick as Alaska burned while all the arctic permafrost melted and belched out methane

It smacked me in the gut to learn that the entire Great Barrier Reef simply bleached out and died

Devastated learning citizens still find jobs more important than the natural systems we all depend on

Depressed by the govt’s subsidizing sugar and corn for fast food and paying for the diabetes epidemic

Stunned into silence at how easily we wasted global 9-11 goodwill by invading Iraq on false pretenses

Shamed that we wont sign treaties on kids, women, land mines, cluster bombs and chemical weapons

Nauseated seeing bloated shark corpses, with their fins sawed off, just left to rot in the open seas

Realized just how lost we really are when we extinguished the tigers to make soup of their penises

Broke my heart to see salmon, key to ecological & mythical systems, dammed up and dried out

Brought to tears seeing starving polar bears drown swimming to find their melted ice hunting grounds

That joke about how free markets would compete to provide healthcare for the poor just tore me up

Got sick to my stomach seeing martyrs gunning down different sects of the same religion, at funerals

Disheartened by eternal defense spending increases even as our infrastructure rotted all around us

Dumbfounded that a being as unnatural as a radical anti-environmentalist could ever even exist

Broke my heart to see how very, very little we care that we are the cause of a global mass extinction

Shocked at our mass slaughter of brainy dolphins and mythic albatross as mere factoryfishing bycatch

Revolted by the human-created dead zone as large as Massachusetts at the mouth of the Mississippi

Haunted by the vast micro-plastic litter spinning in our ocean gyres, mistakenly eaten by microfauna

Felt alienated by their loving choice to waddle obesely about in overpriced, super-sized P/Us & SUVs

Choked on the huge portions of dishonest soundbites I was fed by all sides, from every form of media

Stung by the rejection of sustainability as mere foolishly-useless, liberal, unpatriotic, sinful nannying

Completely deflated by our attraction to royal political families and bombastic media demagogues

Hurt by the abandonment of rationality in favor of shouted soundbites & a loudly-proud ignorance

Felt betrayed by the wanton alienation of our allies in a rush to make ourselves great again, all alone

Sickened at the notion that this vast destruction we label progress must continue indefinitely, amen

Broke my heart to see them struggle on $1 a day as we idled for fast food, in air-conditioned comfort

Came unglued hearing that every year is always the hottest ever and that our people really dont care

Dumbfounded by our legislators utter failure to address any issue that might cost votes on either side

Disgusted by that bloated corporate healthcare industry draining 20% of GDP, yet still failing millions

Broke my heart seeing how senseless, worn-out religions still drive believers to righteous slaughters

True Confessions: I Meant to Say That

Sure I knew my numbers guys cooked the books to pump up our stock so we could get more bonuses

We were aware that we were sucking out everyone’s precious underground water for free, to waste

No, I’m not sorry I called you an overpaid, incompetent, quota-filling, untouchable under-performer

Well, we did realize that every untested chemical we put in our products could not be as safe as milk

I was indeed quite aware that on various occasions I had misstated facts and misrepresented myself

As they signed the contract I breathed a sigh of relief over the pertinent omissions in my sales talk

Even before we ratified that treaty we had already laid our plans to dishonestly circumvent its intent

Actually, our post-police shooting riot was more about free liquor & electronics than racial injustice

We really did just say anything we were told, without any qualms, if it just helped us win an election

I honestly stated that I was very eager to clear my name, but that I had No comment on the matter

You know that time I cursed you out? I still mean every single foul phrase - Exactly as I spoke then

Yes, I’m certain that Political Correctness is mere cover for the passive-aggressive, lazy & entitled

Sure I guiltlessly played the system I condemned for all it was worth and never even tried to repair it

I did question holding the door for equally-paid female co-workers leaving early again - For their kids

Yes, we admit that we are not scientists but we also declare their research inconclusive & inaccurate

I did not misspeak at all when I eloquently and emotionally defended my previous prevarications

It was not a setup when they caught me living large off the donations from my tearful non-profit

It absolutely was not merely a shameful & one-time only moral lapse to sell my influence to lobbyists

Nobody hacked my account to contain pictures of myself with those naked young altar boys

When they caught me doing drugs with prostitutes it wasn’t the first time and…I really loved it!

You bet I really mean it every time I laugh and say we should bomb the shit out of those damn ayrabs

We sure as hell should abolish the EPA and give over all federal lands to developers, drillers & ATVs

It was no oversight that BigAg destroyed the topsoil, polluted the waters & poisoned the songbirds

Yes, we fought removing brain-damaging mercury from coal plant emissions - To keep our profits up

Certainly we scorned as ignorant imbeciles, all those losers who bought our giant overpriced pickups

I knew my client was guilty of all charges but I still got him off on an inane technicality, for a fat fee

No, I mean it: You are slow, ignorant & nasty & totally deserving of your healthcare bankruptcy

We do actually believe that the best solution to gun violence is for everyone to be armed 24x7x365

I’ll even say it again, immigrants absolutely must learn English or provide their own damn translators

Let me repeat: the unintelligent & uneducated who bristle with canned attitudes are useless losers

I really do believe we are an exceptionist people, solely entitled to the phrase ‘God Bless America!’

We actually do push an inane lie that free market healthcare would compete for the old, sick & poor

Be advised: We are righteous about spying upon all of your private activities in absolute secrecy

You can be sure I did not mean a word of the apology I was forced to make for political correctness

We really do want a border wall & to deport the illegales even as we open our arms to all Latinos

Yes, we meant to call you Moochers while we demanded your vote to save you from the Libtards