It Aint Jest That Fool Climate Change

Like that wadnt aready enuf ta make the avurege NFL fan sickta his dam stumach…

By their waya thinkin were jest drownin in all kinda like kittystrophic events jest about ta come true

They say thers some kinda global mass estintion goin on all around us and they claim were causin it

Ya got them thousandsa unregelated, manmade kemikals mixin up everwher causin cancer in babies

Yer leftwing neow-nazis believe our savur-ordained fruitfulness is outta control & overuinin the earth

Theys even wackosa tryin ta make ya blieve that $hafa triyion a year fer our dEfense is way too much

And were spossed ta pay ta fix up the shittin roads, dams, bridges, lektrik, water & innernet, too?

Like Im really worried about them stripminin the oceans and fillinem up with that micro plastic litter

Our BigAg soil stewarts wunit overuse warter, fertilizer & pesticide jist fer ther stock-based bonuses

Look, jest cuz the kids caint do percents or read leglese don’t mean they aint tamarras world leadurs

Why shud we even believe that breast milk is lousy with whoremoans from our plastic & lektronics?

I aint got time ta fret on some hoaxy clean drinkin water shortage them vegans are bawlin over now

Tetnolagy’ll solve any issues arisin over needin ta grow more food on less land fer 2bln more hindis

You bet I’m takin the threata acid in the oceans hurtin seashells real, real serious. Uh-huh.

I been losin sleep frettin over the 5 poundsa trash each of us tosses out ever day, that’s fore shore

Yeah, I almost got some time ta worry about ther habytat distruction crisis, whatever that is, anyway

But, I jest do gotta ask one more time – What’s any stinkin polar bear ever done fer me?

like they say, our lafstyle alone is robbin our kids of any chancea reachin they true potentuls: Right..

They think we caint tell butween that vast libral media conspirucy & red meat, no-spin Faux News

Ooooh, I’m like soooo worried about whatever cow antibotics creatin bugs what cud eat off my leg

Stayin up late frettin over them asiens out there stripminin the oceans – Hey! I hate fish dicks anyway

Right, like goodod Clean Coal cud somehow put whatever mercury all up in our baby’s little brains

And the Libs are tryin ta convince me that our good conservative leadrs are owned by corprations

Jest the othur day theys some wack scientest lyin bout ever gallona diesel I burn givin off 19lbsa CO₂

Anaways, I jest keep buyin up guns & ammo cuz I jest know them yella vegans wanna take em away

Oh, and, were loadin up on tofu, kale, green tea and such sh*t, too: Cuz they say its whats fer dinner

Yup, they want us ta be skinny & weak like them - But I’m takin a cue from the big boys of my NFL

We got our Medicaid & SSDI so we aint worried about no probly fishunal doctur & nurse shortages

And, the good news is, I can get me a script fer vicadin or percaset if my teeth get ta hurtin too bad

Jesus, now were spossed ta get all teary eyed about some gotdam fireflies dyin off?

Whado I care how much air pollushun them swarmin asien hords create makin producs fer Wal*Mart?

And jest what shud I do about them slum dwellers movin inta that amazon jungle & burnin it down?

Oh, and watch out! – them giant pig & chicken farms are like chokin the life outta our rivers and bays

Um, BTW, alla them skinny vegan scare tactics regardin overeatin on sugar, salt & fat – Absulute BS!

& This incume inequality biness - Jest one more socialist scare tactic ta gin up more nanny regelatin

Them ragheads aint never comin to open up on us down ta our Wal*Mart or in the Sonic drive thrus -

Cuz all we gotta do is jest bomb the shit outta them ayrabs & get on with Traditional Family Values®

Them Libral Food And Exersize Scams

So, here They go agin, ya know, tryin ta jist suck alla the fun & injoymint rite outta everbuddys lifes

Shore, like alla sudden SlimJims’ll rot yer innards & Doritas’re are fried up in all kinda poisons

They’re even sayin good old family white bread, fer god’s sake, is jest newtritunlis empty caleries

In their view, a dam Snickers bar is jest one more step down the road ta some facteryfood perdition

Yeah, like jest relaxin on the couch after another hard day at work cud somehow be relly bad faya

Rite, I monna jump up and go walk around the stupid block or do some kinda numbnut exersizin

I knew a guy who ran ever day: got hit by a pickup & knocked right outta them hunertfity buck Nikes

Really, it’s all just one more way ta try ta rob us of our sacred personal fureedoms

I betcha goodol Reagan dina eat nona that pusy-ast dam tofu or any kinda organic sprouts either

But them intrusav oneworldrs are tryin ta brainwarsh our kids regardin whatever healthy food choices

If god wanted us ta walk he wutnta gave us these awsum NASCAR/Military type pickups, now wud He?

Anyways, if that fool exersize is so good fer ya, why the heck does it feel like crap when yer doin it?

And just what biness does the govermint have all up in there in my whatever-the-hell colon, anyway?

Its like that shittin Obamacare – just one more parta them dam govt nannies wornout socialist agenda

Shore, my kids’ll jump fer joy over gettin raw oats with like figs instead of FruitLoops & Pop-Tarts

Thanks much, but I’ll jest stick with my goodod double beef bacon cheeseburgers & supersized fries

But, don’t fergit jest how deadly that innocent lookin and utterly deelicious piecea salami really is

Yup, and you gotta learn ta love ta grind on such ass nasty weeds as brussel sprouts, kale & brocolli

Don’t you dare be drinkin any more of them icy-cool, free-refill 44oz Big Gulps ever agin, either

So now you jest get on up outta here and go start jumpin around at that zoombabwe or whatever it is

Oh, geez & they’re all upset about what like 50 ingredient factory food might do ta their medytation

Right, as if gettin the cheapest price on real family food wadn’t the only smart way ta shop grocreys

Yup, perty soon I’ll be runnin out ta get tha ol lady apaira size 18 yogi paints…yeah, real soon now

They got the balls ta say that family-friendly food perducers have loaded up our carts with chemykals

And, can you imagine? Now ther even sayin that good od-fashyuned sugar is actually a deadly poison?

Right, and a refreshin icy cold beer aint nethin but empty brain-damagin fat-producin calories, either

Sure, & perty soon I’ll really start enjoyin puffin and sweatin like hell while my whole body aches

Yup: onct were all a buncha skinny, tired vegans that vast liberal conspiracy takeovr’ll be a lot easier

I Never Grew Up & I Ain’t Ashamed

Never outgrew my boyish love of those loud exhaust pipes filling the air with their thick, black smoke

The noise and smell of any type of explosives from firecrackers to AK-47s still quickens my heart

Drivin my giant diesel pickup all alone reminds me of my bug-eyed boyhood lovea big red firetrucks

Don’t need to spend time studying the issues any more than I needed to pay any attention in school

Like always, if it tastes good like hot dogs I’ll eat it and to hell with your squirrelly rabbit health food

I still get my kicks watching the big boys knock hell out of each other and now I lay on my own couch

Them intrusive gov’t over-regelaters sure do remind me of my stupid elementary school teachers

I’m living proof that kids don’t have to read books all the dam time to get ahead here in the USA

I’m still being socialized by television, only now it’s good old Faux News instead of just kids TV ads

As the super-rich taught us – being greedy is really just the patriotic pursuit of individual happiness

Yup, and that share and share alike business? That’s just tired socialist pabulum for the Moochers

My lifetime selfishness is still right as rain in this survival of the fittest world we all have to live in

Still running wild and free out in the woods, only now I’m on my dirt bike, snowmobile or ATV

Was taught to put women up on a pedestal so I’m still quite respectful of them topless table dancers

Even though the nannies have always tried to take them all away, I love my guns more than ever now

Thanks to many years spent playing War, I’m ready to bomb the shitake outta any country in our way

When I put on my $200 official NFL jersey I often think back on the boyhood sports I almost played

I only wish we could still beat the crap out of the queers and geeks for fun, just like we used to

My daddy taught us how to fish and I really love going out in my 300 hp bass boat with a case of beer

I’ll tell you what, my dam checking account is as empty as that lame piggy bank ever was - & it’s OK!

I still hate asparagus, broccoli and that type of sh*t, but now I don’t have to eat it to get my dessert

Yup, and I graduated from teeny cans of coke to them 44 oz Big Gulps I always watched Daddy drink

I never liked cleaning up my bedroom so now I leave whatever I want to, out in the front yard

And aint nobody gonna make me go do like calisthenics or any st00pid exercising no more, no how

It’s totally clear now that I never did need to give a dam about all them whatever hindis & fukistanis

And the greenies still cant tell me - What has any stinking polar bear ever done for me?

I put my trash back to the earth just like I always did – I dump it all wherever I’m done with it

People shouting & fighting remain far more interesting than whatever boring reasonable discussions

Now I can carry on anytime, as loud as I want with my bros, specially when we’re havin a few beers

Dont have to wait fer $XMAS ta go charge off whatever new electronic or 4x4 goodie I really want

Still don’t see any reason ta spend half my dam life brushing my teeth or even ever go to the dentist

And I’m as badass as ever despite the bum knees, twisted shoulder, pre-diabetes and sore back

Listen, I really don’t care if I cain’t never figger out the change I got coming from a $20 bill

I still don’t give a dam about whatever 25% off actually means, cuz I know a good deal when I see it

I’ve never forgotten the fact that I am a very entitled citizen of an extremely exceptionist people

And my ideals of jesus christ and His paradise that awaits me are jest as clear now as they ever been

They Would Never...Right?

Each unbelievably-foolish and insane new revelation enables the next, even more incredible barbarism to take place

Surely CEOs don’t actually believe that they’re worth 373 times what their average employee makes

Folks would not knowingly consume enough sugar, fat, salt and chemical additives to kill themselves

Companies wouldn’t put hormone-mimicking chemicals in cosmetics & then refuse to remove them

Nobody modifies a pickup computer just to spew clouds of diesel smoke on the hybrids behind them

The government would have no real reason to track all of our communications – In absolute secrecy

Nobody in their right mind would run amok creating new AWD trails in everyone’s national forests

We would never let our electric, water, internet, dam and road infrastructure go third world, Right?

No one could be stupid enough to believe that a helmet law violates their sacred personal freedom

The righteous could not deny a poor, unwed teen birth control and totally ignore her innocent child

Big Coal would have quickly halted mercury emissions if it were found they even might hurt your kids

Kindly frackers simply wouldn’t contaminate any of our water with secret but carcinogenic chemicals

Congressmen are not sucking up to bribing lobbyists & campaign donors while ignoring all our letters

Western states wouldn’t foolishly agree to share way more Colorado River water than actually exists

Having everyone armed everywhere, all the time really isn’t the only way to stop mass murders, is it?

Fossil fuel oligarchs don’t use the identical tactics & lawyers as Big Tobacco - Against climate change

No way would an aggrieved minority loot liquor & electronics stores and call it a civil rights protest

No true leaders would demand fabricated evidence to go to war & later claim they were misinformed

Our Jeffersonian ideals regarding political service will always prevent elected royal families here

Surely there is no place for twisted political pettifoggery regarding globally-vetted climate research

No god could demand that His faithful burst into innocent girl’s classrooms with their AK-47s blazing

Our duty to be fruitful & multiply could not result in our destructive & unsustainable overpopulation

God’s edict that we be good stewards of the earth precludes us ever causing a global mass extinction

Doctors wouldn’t order extra tests to cover their legal butts and to grab extra Fee For Service money

Of course we will not totally destroy all the earth’s food-producing topsoil within the next 60 years

Big Pharma would never try to influence studies on their new drugs - Even though they pay for them

Not even the most devout Jihadi would pray to get closer to Allah thru the rape of a 12 y/o sex slave

None of us could be base enough to get rich scamming our revered seniors out of their life savings

BigAg stewards simply would not overapply water, pesticides & herbicides - Just to pump stock prices

Real estate professionals never knowingly omit important details or gloss over potential problems

Our wise CEOs take a far longer perspective than the quarterly stock price their bonuses are based on

Just because it’s legal, Corporate labs wouldn’t introduce 1000s of chemicals without health testing

Surely, in a truly free market, insurers would at last fiercely compete to sell to the old, sick or poor

Women earning equally don’t expect us to hold the door for them to leave early again - For our kids

It’s impossible that foreign healthcare outcomes are better than ours since we spend so much more

Politicians & advertisers would never destroy the social unity created by all of us speaking English

Surely no one would accept any religion when so many claim to be the only one with the ear of God

The Unholy Triad: Unintelligence, Ignorance & Attitude

Scorned be those who are at once alternatively-gifted, lack an education and yet, still bristle loudly with unassailable attitude

Unintelligence

All of us are very gifted in some manner, but mostly in ways that society has not found a profitable and thus, economically valuable, use for. Intelligence tests are full of cultural bias and still only measure a narrow range of human capabilities. One’s IQ also bears no relation to their morality, kindness, citizenship or grace.

Ignorance

Anyone deprived of a decent education, intelligent or not, will suffer from ignorance. In fact, all of us are ignorant on infinitely more subjects than those for which we can claim knowledge. Any education which fosters critical thinking reduces the perils of ignorance when facing novelty, advertising or politicians.

Attitude

A ruthless honesty combined with a lack of tact, though abrasive, can cut straight to the truth. Merely being politically incorrect is not some form of immorality, as backbiting sheep would have us believe. The impatient & those quick to anger are, quite often, among our very highest performers.

But: Let it be known:

The constant loud, proud and uncritical mouthing of indisputable and unquestioned beliefs by those

low in the form of intelligence required for rational thinking and deprived of a proper education cannot be reasoned with and is seriously difficult to interact with.

Whoever Insults The Prophet…Kill Him!

“Even if he shows that he has repented” – One radicalized interpretation of the Koran

And, we alone will be the final judges as to whether your words might possibly insult the prophet

For ours is the one and the only true interpretation of the divine word in that holiest of all books

Of course, you’re guilt is automatically proven should you not be able to recite the Koran - in Arabic

Never forget that any sect but ours is, by our definition, merely apostate and must be smitten by us

There shall be no discussion or negotiations with those once condemned, for we alone hold the truth

We shall send forth heroic, young, poor & futureless martyrs to die restoring the Prophet’s honor

Such as Jews, simply by a mere sinful and unclean existence are, unequivocally & irreversibly: Guilty

Heretical silence shall not protect them, their children are not innocent & their apologies are useless

We shall film our executions of the vile sinners we capture as a warning…and for recruitment videos

Our heroic lions burst into their infidel girl’s primary school rooms with AK-47s blazing…for Allah!

We strictly forbid drugs but righteously force farmers to produce opium which we confiscate and sell

We aim to restore the great Caliphate but we do not need art, science or math as those before us did

Women have an honored place as Illiterate, shrouded, barefoot, silent & mostly-pregnant sex slaves

There is nothing in our faith that is absurd, comical or irrational…Death to any we think may mock us

Our greatest scholars spend their lives gloriously studying only the Koran - To rationalize our actions

Even as we decapitate the Great Satan we turn upon the many apostate Muslim sects who anger Allah

We shall define blasphemy & proclaim fatwas for executions based solely upon our revealed truth

Vaccinations are Satan’s sterilizers and we reject his poisons & sentence his emissaries to death

We send children to kill apostates & put them on suicide missions to ensure the caliphate’s future

One sacred duty is to eliminate all journalists - Those devil’s emissaries who spread lies and deceit

We can condemn, blaspheme & destroy at will any and all of the world’s false & heretical idols

Even jihadis of our own sect but different franchises must also be punished with an unmerciful death

But, woe unto him who would dare question, criticize or satirize the one truth that is ours alone

Our male children require no education beyond arms training & memorizing select parts of the Koran

Of course the prophet commanded us to grow beards and that our women shroud their entire beings

Bursting into markets with guns & RPGs blazing is truly doing what Allah demands, Peace unto him

We must kill those who disguise attempts to control us as bringing clean water & adequate sanitation

Our wise interpretation of Sharia law is all we need for a divine governance & justice upon this earth

We sleep well at night, laying on dirt in filthy clothes, secure in the knowledge that we are His hands

Videoed public beheading, stoning or burning alive is appropriate for any manner of crime we choose

The caliphate can expel into the desert any old or sick hostages it can’t afford to care for or to treat

Know that our martyrs shall be rewarded by heavenly virgins after blowing themselves up in hospitals

We shall answer their unholy existence with guns and bombs at their mosques, markets & schools

Heretics shall not be safe at their wedding parties for we shall rain automatic weapon fire upon them

Our fearless lions, Allah willing, shall ignite themselves in the very mosques of the evil apostate sects

Then, Allah permitting, we shall kill all of them that we can during their unclean funeral ceremonies