Arm All Our Children, All The Time!

- But still, watch out for terrorists wearing suicide vests and truck bombers, too

TV doctors will recommend that parents tuck in infants with a sidearm cradled in their tiny fingers

Pre-school graduation shall be federally mandated to include earning a concealed carry permit

All kindergartners must drill on opening up in unison on fellow student shooters in their classrooms

The NRA shall set national standards for training & equipping children to counter school massacres

Gun lobby research will show deranged shooters will kill fewer when all potential victims are armed

One entitlement we certainly can afford is to ensure that no child is left...without a working firearm

And the security check at the school gate will guarantee that each toddler arrives locked & loaded

Target practice will be a mandatory part of our schools renewed physical education curriculum

When children get big enough, they can begin carrying assault rifles on their school backpacks as well

Proper training at home and school ensures that kids will never shoot each other over minor disputes

Our offspring won’t play with guns: Theirs will be serious training to help ensure domestic tranquility

Immediate mass youth justice for using firearms in illegal activity will cut our crime rate way down

Community playgrounds will be upgraded to have mini shooting ranges for our liberty-minded tykes

Inner-city youths will also take part, unless they are killed using their guns to commit crimes

8 year old girls can play house with new scenarios in which they neutralize nasty dollhouse invaders

Boys can play-practice sacrifice, taking a bullet in order to get off a kill shot on a schoolroom shooter

Designers will create pink guns with flowers anodized on the barrel to charm elementary school girls

Kids will clamor for the coolest fall fashions in all-day bullet-proof vests prior to every school year

Teens can really set themselves apart with their selection of death-metal weaponry and body armor

A huge youth market will open up for personalized weapons & ammo, much like tattoos and piercings

Families out for dinner can all lay their weapons out on the table where they’re easy to grab & fire

See the happy kids riding their bikes safely to school all by themselves, each one packing heavy lead

Kids down to Wal*Mart with their moms are ever ready to neutralize any threat with deadly force

Santa’s traditional outfit includes a nice wide leather belt - With a shiny .45 in a quick access holster

See the little ones bow their heads in hardened churches, each one armed against potential infidels

They are drilled to duck & roll, lie very still & play dead until they can safely return a deadly fire

Families stroll malls in patrol formation, alert to the clear & present threat of the armed & deranged

See them in a grocery cart, already scanning left & right for the odd mentally-deranged sharpshooter

Kids from good families caught out unarmed with friends will only be given a warning – The first time

Schools, churches & rec centers will be provided with weapons caches for active shooter situations

Going steady teens can exchange personalized gender-themed weapons for all their friends to see

Little libertarians everywhere will do parents proud with a perpetually-armed & angry preparedness

The oft-heard sound of automatic weapon fire will draw trained, armed kids in, like moths to a flame

Why, our children will grow up hearing so much live ammunition that they’ll be quite calm under fire

Those few, unavoidable, psychotic mass killings cannot alter our wise commitment to universal arms

So, onward for cradle to grave, 24x7x365, universal, heavily-armed, law-abiding citizen self-defense