True Confessions: I Meant to Say That

Sure I knew my numbers guys cooked the books to pump up our stock so we could get more bonuses

We were aware that we were sucking out everyone’s precious underground water for free, to waste

No, I’m not sorry I called you an overpaid, incompetent, quota-filling, untouchable under-performer

Well, we did realize that every untested chemical we put in our products could not be as safe as milk

I was indeed quite aware that on various occasions I had misstated facts and misrepresented myself

As they signed the contract I breathed a sigh of relief over the pertinent omissions in my sales talk

Even before we ratified that treaty we had already laid our plans to dishonestly circumvent its intent

Actually, our post-police shooting riot was more about free liquor & electronics than racial injustice

We really did just say anything we were told, without any qualms, if it just helped us win an election

I honestly stated that I was very eager to clear my name, but that I had No comment on the matter

You know that time I cursed you out? I still mean every single foul phrase - Exactly as I spoke then

Yes, I’m certain that Political Correctness is mere cover for the passive-aggressive, lazy & entitled

Sure I guiltlessly played the system I condemned for all it was worth and never even tried to repair it

I did question holding the door for equally-paid female co-workers leaving early again - For their kids

Yes, we admit that we are not scientists but we also declare their research inconclusive & inaccurate

I did not misspeak at all when I eloquently and emotionally defended my previous prevarications

It was not a setup when they caught me living large off the donations from my tearful non-profit

It absolutely was not merely a shameful & one-time only moral lapse to sell my influence to lobbyists

Nobody hacked my account to contain pictures of myself with those naked young altar boys

When they caught me doing drugs with prostitutes it wasn’t the first time and…I really loved it!

You bet I really mean it every time I laugh and say we should bomb the shit out of those damn ayrabs

We sure as hell should abolish the EPA and give over all federal lands to developers, drillers & ATVs

It was no oversight that BigAg destroyed the topsoil, polluted the waters & poisoned the songbirds

Yes, we fought removing brain-damaging mercury from coal plant emissions - To keep our profits up

Certainly we scorned as ignorant imbeciles, all those losers who bought our giant overpriced pickups

I knew my client was guilty of all charges but I still got him off on an inane technicality, for a fat fee

No, I mean it: You are slow, ignorant & nasty & totally deserving of your healthcare bankruptcy

We do actually believe that the best solution to gun violence is for everyone to be armed 24x7x365

I’ll even say it again, immigrants absolutely must learn English or provide their own damn translators

Let me repeat: the unintelligent & uneducated who bristle with canned attitudes are useless losers

I really do believe we are an exceptionist people, solely entitled to the phrase ‘God Bless America!’

We actually do push an inane lie that free market healthcare would compete for the old, sick & poor

Be advised: We are righteous about spying upon all of your private activities in absolute secrecy

You can be sure I did not mean a word of the apology I was forced to make for political correctness

We really do want a border wall & to deport the illegales even as we open our arms to all Latinos

Yes, we meant to call you Moochers while we demanded your vote to save you from the Libtards

It Aint Jest That Fool Climate Change

Like that wadnt aready enuf ta make the avurege NFL fan sickta his dam stumach…

By their waya thinkin were jest drownin in all kinda like kittystrophic events jest about ta come true

They say thers some kinda global mass estintion goin on all around us and they claim were causin it

Ya got them thousandsa unregelated, manmade kemikals mixin up everwher causin cancer in babies

Yer leftwing neow-nazis believe our savur-ordained fruitfulness is outta control & overuinin the earth

Theys even wackosa tryin ta make ya blieve that $hafa triyion a year fer our dEfense is way too much

And were spossed ta pay ta fix up the shittin roads, dams, bridges, lektrik, water & innernet, too?

Like Im really worried about them stripminin the oceans and fillinem up with that micro plastic litter

Our BigAg soil stewarts wunit overuse warter, fertilizer & pesticide jist fer ther stock-based bonuses

Look, jest cuz the kids caint do percents or read leglese don’t mean they aint tamarras world leadurs

Why shud we even believe that breast milk is lousy with whoremoans from our plastic & lektronics?

I aint got time ta fret on some hoaxy clean drinkin water shortage them vegans are bawlin over now

Tetnolagy’ll solve any issues arisin over needin ta grow more food on less land fer 2bln more hindis

You bet I’m takin the threata acid in the oceans hurtin seashells real, real serious. Uh-huh.

I been losin sleep frettin over the 5 poundsa trash each of us tosses out ever day, that’s fore shore

Yeah, I almost got some time ta worry about ther habytat distruction crisis, whatever that is, anyway

But, I jest do gotta ask one more time – What’s any stinkin polar bear ever done fer me?

like they say, our lafstyle alone is robbin our kids of any chancea reachin they true potentuls: Right..

They think we caint tell butween that vast libral media conspirucy & red meat, no-spin Faux News

Ooooh, I’m like soooo worried about whatever cow antibotics creatin bugs what cud eat off my leg

Stayin up late frettin over them asiens out there stripminin the oceans – Hey! I hate fish dicks anyway

Right, like goodod Clean Coal cud somehow put whatever mercury all up in our baby’s little brains

And the Libs are tryin ta convince me that our good conservative leadrs are owned by corprations

Jest the othur day theys some wack scientest lyin bout ever gallona diesel I burn givin off 19lbsa CO₂

Anaways, I jest keep buyin up guns & ammo cuz I jest know them yella vegans wanna take em away

Oh, and, were loadin up on tofu, kale, green tea and such sh*t, too: Cuz they say its whats fer dinner

Yup, they want us ta be skinny & weak like them - But I’m takin a cue from the big boys of my NFL

We got our Medicaid & SSDI so we aint worried about no probly fishunal doctur & nurse shortages

And, the good news is, I can get me a script fer vicadin or percaset if my teeth get ta hurtin too bad

Jesus, now were spossed ta get all teary eyed about some gotdam fireflies dyin off?

Whado I care how much air pollushun them swarmin asien hords create makin producs fer Wal*Mart?

And jest what shud I do about them slum dwellers movin inta that amazon jungle & burnin it down?

Oh, and watch out! – them giant pig & chicken farms are like chokin the life outta our rivers and bays

Um, BTW, alla them skinny vegan scare tactics regardin overeatin on sugar, salt & fat – Absulute BS!

& This incume inequality biness - Jest one more socialist scare tactic ta gin up more nanny regelatin

Them ragheads aint never comin to open up on us down ta our Wal*Mart or in the Sonic drive thrus -

Cuz all we gotta do is jest bomb the shit outta them ayrabs & get on with Traditional Family Values®

I Never Grew Up & I Ain’t Ashamed

Never outgrew my boyish love of those loud exhaust pipes filling the air with their thick, black smoke

The noise and smell of any type of explosives from firecrackers to AK-47s still quickens my heart

Drivin my giant diesel pickup all alone reminds me of my bug-eyed boyhood lovea big red firetrucks

Don’t need to spend time studying the issues any more than I needed to pay any attention in school

Like always, if it tastes good like hot dogs I’ll eat it and to hell with your squirrelly rabbit health food

I still get my kicks watching the big boys knock hell out of each other and now I lay on my own couch

Them intrusive gov’t over-regelaters sure do remind me of my stupid elementary school teachers

I’m living proof that kids don’t have to read books all the dam time to get ahead here in the USA

I’m still being socialized by television, only now it’s good old Faux News instead of just kids TV ads

As the super-rich taught us – being greedy is really just the patriotic pursuit of individual happiness

Yup, and that share and share alike business? That’s just tired socialist pabulum for the Moochers

My lifetime selfishness is still right as rain in this survival of the fittest world we all have to live in

Still running wild and free out in the woods, only now I’m on my dirt bike, snowmobile or ATV

Was taught to put women up on a pedestal so I’m still quite respectful of them topless table dancers

Even though the nannies have always tried to take them all away, I love my guns more than ever now

Thanks to many years spent playing War, I’m ready to bomb the shitake outta any country in our way

When I put on my $200 official NFL jersey I often think back on the boyhood sports I almost played

I only wish we could still beat the crap out of the queers and geeks for fun, just like we used to

My daddy taught us how to fish and I really love going out in my 300 hp bass boat with a case of beer

I’ll tell you what, my dam checking account is as empty as that lame piggy bank ever was - & it’s OK!

I still hate asparagus, broccoli and that type of sh*t, but now I don’t have to eat it to get my dessert

Yup, and I graduated from teeny cans of coke to them 44 oz Big Gulps I always watched Daddy drink

I never liked cleaning up my bedroom so now I leave whatever I want to, out in the front yard

And aint nobody gonna make me go do like calisthenics or any st00pid exercising no more, no how

It’s totally clear now that I never did need to give a dam about all them whatever hindis & fukistanis

And the greenies still cant tell me - What has any stinking polar bear ever done for me?

I put my trash back to the earth just like I always did – I dump it all wherever I’m done with it

People shouting & fighting remain far more interesting than whatever boring reasonable discussions

Now I can carry on anytime, as loud as I want with my bros, specially when we’re havin a few beers

Dont have to wait fer $XMAS ta go charge off whatever new electronic or 4x4 goodie I really want

Still don’t see any reason ta spend half my dam life brushing my teeth or even ever go to the dentist

And I’m as badass as ever despite the bum knees, twisted shoulder, pre-diabetes and sore back

Listen, I really don’t care if I cain’t never figger out the change I got coming from a $20 bill

I still don’t give a dam about whatever 25% off actually means, cuz I know a good deal when I see it

I’ve never forgotten the fact that I am a very entitled citizen of an extremely exceptionist people

And my ideals of jesus christ and His paradise that awaits me are jest as clear now as they ever been

The Unholy Triad: Unintelligence, Ignorance & Attitude

Scorned be those who are at once alternatively-gifted, lack an education and yet, still bristle loudly with unassailable attitude

Unintelligence

All of us are very gifted in some manner, but mostly in ways that society has not found a profitable and thus, economically valuable, use for. Intelligence tests are full of cultural bias and still only measure a narrow range of human capabilities. One’s IQ also bears no relation to their morality, kindness, citizenship or grace.

Ignorance

Anyone deprived of a decent education, intelligent or not, will suffer from ignorance. In fact, all of us are ignorant on infinitely more subjects than those for which we can claim knowledge. Any education which fosters critical thinking reduces the perils of ignorance when facing novelty, advertising or politicians.

Attitude

A ruthless honesty combined with a lack of tact, though abrasive, can cut straight to the truth. Merely being politically incorrect is not some form of immorality, as backbiting sheep would have us believe. The impatient & those quick to anger are, quite often, among our very highest performers.

But: Let it be known:

The constant loud, proud and uncritical mouthing of indisputable and unquestioned beliefs by those

low in the form of intelligence required for rational thinking and deprived of a proper education cannot be reasoned with and is seriously difficult to interact with.

Somebody Gave A Shitake

No do-gooders’ dumbass libral deed gets away without us laughin...

My roadside trash got picked up, again – Aint that great? Here, ya lameass squishes. Have some more!

Librals was plantin flowers by the road so I gave em a fat, black blasta good ol unburnt diesel smoke

Our old frigerator finally got pulled outta the creek: Wonder what took them tofu-eaters sa dam long

Some bleedin heart nursed our useless & abandoned, abused & sick old dog to health. Stupid forks!

Yup, my shotgun shells & SlimJim wrappers’ll get pikd up by some skinny hiker with nothin betr ta do

Clueless vegans rehabed some tired, old bandit ATV trails right while we was out slashin new ones

Someone takes time for a boy with no father: Soo, I can feel OK blowing off child support agin, right?

Only them godless envirmenalists would question our ordaned dominyin takin & fruityful multiplyin

That silly recyclin rate might be slowly creepin up but my stuff goes back ta nature out in the woods

A few less wives might be gettin beaten but mine still flynches up whenever I raise my hand

Like I give a flyin fart what kinda habutat distrucion & shit them dollar a day hindis is doin, anyways

Why caint they see a free market garentees them sick & poor better cheaper doctorin than socialism?

Its funny, not everbody laughs like hell hearing the word kale – Even though they sure as shit should!

Librals pay $25k for a damn Prius but I modded my $60k Ram ta blow black diesel in they faces

Hey, my kids dont need no govt innerferenc ta get yer imaginery coal-fired mercury outta they brains

Look at those stupid volunteers doin all that work fer nethin – Hell, I’m goin home ta watch football

At least them 1%ers mouth Traditional Family Values - As they outsource our jobs fer giant bonuses

Caint them Leftists see the vital importancea abortion, guns, gay marriage and deregelated frackin?

Why, them so-called wise investments in clean energy aint nethin but more socialist tax & spending

I aint buyin no $5 artesian loaves when good old super-soft white bread is still only a buck a bag

Yup, we all gotta respect that ther rulea law cept where it gets overridden by the worda our Savior

I’m always stockin up on guns & ammo cause theys a vast conspiracy what wants to take em all away

Shore, I’m probly gonna go joggin or somethin stoopid insteada settin down to a cold one after work

Puhleez, enougha yer BS about a tasty double-meat bacon cheesburger rottin my whatever colon

But, food stamps do help me work on my retirement savings by providin me with a few more lotto tix

Felt so good after a few days on the meds I got at the free clinic that I gave the rest ta the ol lady

We got a couple of hits of meth for them bikes we stole from their stupid ShareTheRide program

If you think the working man caint see how bad that obamacare needs repeeled, you don’t know Jack

Had jest about enufa this vast liberal conspercy ta give over our prechus sovernty ta that dam UN

And I’ll tell you what, I’m grateful ta look more like my TV foopball buds than sum skinny vegan turd

Whatre they negochiatin treatys with them mullahs for insteada jest bombin the shit outta the place?

Look, I got ever right ta fly the rebel banner if them LBGT can get they rainbow flag all up in my face

No Worries, It’s Just Human Nature

War is part of our genetic makeup & Traditional Family Values - And also a vital economic stimulus!

Beating each other senseless is just human nature, especially when we are drinking heavily together

Homo Economicus does not naturally do things like recycle or save energy if he’s not paid to do it

We’re just following our pioneer instincts as we rip up new bandit ATV trails in our national forests

Man has flourished on red meat since Creation, during the dinosaur days, and I’m not changing now!

We hate gays, black, arabs & illegales because its just our nature to slaughter those different from us

Preying upon the sick, poor, widowed & elderly has been a human tradition ever since time immoral

Why, slavery goes back to our caveman days when captured enemies were raped & put to hard labor

It’s always been true that no one pays when everyone is at fault:Like for our air, water, forests & soil

We toss out our trash just like our ancestors did - to keep our loads light when we’re out on the hunt

People have always needed flashy creation myths, like all our laughably old-fashioned One True Gods

We’re obviously programmed to yearn for egotistical and paternally-sociopathic despots to enslave us

God meant for women to remain covered, uneducated & abused: And to raise up sons exactly like us

It’s simply supply & demand to pay higher prices until the next popular resource is used up or extinct

Humans instinctively prefer fibreless, nutrition-free, salt, sugar, fat & chemical-laced factory food

Real men will always thrive in the smoke & noise given off by unmuffled, petroleum-powered engines

Peasants have eternally craved rule by their moral betters - Who treat them as disposable moochers

To ensure our progress, glib sales types must always be highly rewarded for their all-consuming greed

Societies possess an innate ability to stall on major issues, looking to muddle thru or find a quick fix

We all know our growth depends on selling the Very-latest, Ever-more and yet another Even-bigger

It’s only natural to ignore our starving brothers every day in pursuit of our own individual happiness

Of course we want more money every year for exactly the same job, while we get fatter & stupider

It’s obvious that our current house of credit cards lifestyle dates far, far back into prehistory

It’s just human nature to scorn reason and leap with a blind faith into the arms of a predatory clergy

We all find it easier to just say NO! than to pass expensive, and likely unnecessary, over-regelations

It’s hereditary to scoff at research that Faux News mouthpieces dismiss as junk science or fuzzy math

No one ever wants to ponder the emptiness of the cosmic void which looms at the end of every life

Honestly, we all do better by focusing on sports, drinking, gossip and the safe details of family life

All government becomes more inefficient, wasteful & costly the more prosperous a nation becomes

It’s simply our innate survival of the fittest mentality that drives us to slash wasteful social programs

& there’s no justifying my having to pay for repairing roads, bridges, dams or electric & water grids

We’ve always defended our omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent gods against any imagined slights

Humans have forever needed to save energy for hunting & fighting - Hence my place on this couch

Driving an 8 passenger SUV alone to work every day satisfies a very real, very ancient need within us

Evolution is only a theory, but Social Darwinism is the survival of the fittest reality men must live by

Human nature is unchanging so it’s best to grab as much as we possibly can: Right here & Right now!

Bristling With Dumbed-Down Canned Opinions

“America’s Strength: The Morality of Its People” - latterdayconservative.com

It’s not like they’re ineducable - These good working folks all test out around average as school kids

But, whiners say, the school systems failed to get them to absorb enough education to think critically

That is, teachers could not spin the curriculum entertainingly enough to hold their fickle attention

In any case, now they bristle with tough canned attitudes & fierce, but quite dumbed-down, opinions

Yes, they can loudly mouth the latest in god-fearing, faux-patriotic fake news in supreme confidence

They also know this fact: If it’s hard to read, it’s always boring, stupid, irrelevant and unnecessary

They can see they can get any info they might really need, in a hurry, right off their smartphones

But they can parrot tons of slick ads, worthless sports stats, cool movie lines & obscene hiphop lyrics

Many of them leave it to Jesus to sugarcoat all of those overwhelmingly-confusing metaphysical fears

Employers don’t need geniuses but they find these folks lacking, vis-à-vis simple Chinese peasants

Proudly-loud Harleys & giant smoking pickups noisily herald their quests for fast food & Asian plastics

They do have a deeply personal grasp of terms like diabetes, hypertension, obesity & arteriosclerosis

They’re OK with soil destruction, H₂0, pesticide & fertilizer overuse - So long as white bread is cheap

Addicted by conglomerates to factory food, they just can’t understand why they keep gaining weight

Coal-friendly, Clean or not, they bravely battle that climate scam armed only with old thermostats

Way too often they are far too loudly-eager to bomb places they often can’t even locate on a map

Their Creationist bedtime story is so remarkably lame that the best satire cannot make it any funnier

Their beliefs are buttressed by an unread Constitution & Bible plus media Traditional Family Values

Scoffingly dismissing socialist satistics, they know ours is thE finest healthcare system on thE planet

Ruggedly independent, they only grudgingly become welfare & disability moochers – by the millions

They angrily support phony political scandals ginned up by blustering rightwing media mouthpieces

Amazingly, corporate sports really is a highest priority in their short, but wasted, lemming-like lives

To them, working like servants for the rich, who program their ideology, is what freedom is all about

Their fix for the madness of all the mass shootings is to heavily arm Dad, Mom and the kids, 24x7x365

Their hatred of them dam regelaters stems directly from their freerange apartment cowboy heritage

They know recycling is st00pid & only for doped up socialists, unless & until they get paid for doing it

They realize that exercise is a waste of time, pushed upon them by smothering government nannies

To them, that overreaching EPA or Employment Prevention Agency should be abolished immediately

They anchor their ignorance to an unquestionable, childlike faith backed by loud & nasty attitudes

They always elect rich, old white conservative men who label them moochers and offshore their jobs

They harbor a gut-level hatred for those who would reuse, recycle, refurbish or, god forbid, reduce

Their outdoor recreation must always entail burning gas NASCAR-style on a jetski, snowmobile or ATV

They don’t need that damn Obamacare since they’re already used to blowing off their unfair ER bills

You can observe them in any of those 8 snack aisles stuffing their carts with chips, cookies & candies

Don’t quite yet get that living on 88% interest payday loans really isn’t a long-term financial strategy

Yes, proudly-ignorant & bristling with attitude they’ve cast away fool reason for unquestionable faith