Eco-Embezzlers, Environmental Swindlers

For tiny royalties, conglomerates can rip the guts out of mountains for valuable metals and minerals

The spoils of their hard work are stacked and left behind in vast piles, wherever it is convenient

And as soon as the veins are played out, the mines are abandoned and they waltz away in bankruptcy

But the earth continues to bleed heavy metals into mountain creeks for as long as we will know

Their factory fishing fleets are simply a marvel of efficient modern 24x7 industrial production

They are able to stripmine vast areas of the ungoverned open ocean at their distant masters will

They vacuum the seas for trendy seafood fads until so few are left that they are not worth targeting

And in their wake toss back dead turtles, seals, dolphins, sharks and literally tons of other bycatch

Corporate agriculture sucks deeply from fossil water aquifers which took a million years to fill

They pay nothing except to run their pumps because such water is still a so-called free good

But those lowly private citizens whose wells now run dry have to pay to dig them deeper

And those to come wont bother, since all the irreplaceable water was sprayed into the hot dry wind

Coal-fired power plants thumb their noses at that over-regulating socialist government bureaucracy

Even though their mercury emissions have been proven to damage the brains of our little children

Meanwhile, their emissions sully our skies while bringing on a cataclysmic planetary warming

But it’s all smoothed out by Clean Coal advertising, climate change denial & the Jobs & Money pitch

Meat producers stuff their inputs with 70% of all antibiotics used, to make them fatten a little faster

Thus skillfully cutting the time their tortured charges must spend in costly but horridly filthy feedlots

There’s no charge for the awful smell or fee for fattening cows on subsidized corn they cannot digest
Their massive fecal outfall fouls the waters spreading newly-mutated antibiotic-resistant organisms

Real estate developers guide our progress with bulldozers, building cookie cutter tracts & strip malls

Farmland, wetlands and open space at last become economically productive under their direction

There are no extra taxes for converting such features into more hideous and unsustainable sprawl

And their older works, now deemed commercially unattractive, are left to turn to blighted eyesores

Lobbyists for patriotic defense oligarchy contractors compete furiously for cost-plus gov’t contracts

All wanting to build the next generation of overpriced weapons of mass eco-destruction

Their bloated corporate structures sucking up vast quantities of valuable engineering talent

Their costly marketing and influence campaigns guarantee huge annual increases in defense spending

Shortsighted American consumers buy gas-guzzling pickups & SUVs by the millions when gas is cheap

They waddle obesely about, most often alone, to jobs in cubicles far smaller then their $45k trucks

The beloved 13 MPG vehicular expressions of freedom spewing 19 lbs of CO₂ per gallon of fuel wasted

Of course, they need ladders to climb in and there’s really nowhere to put their groceries

Religion urges us to <guiltlessly & thoughtlessly> take dominion over <extinguish> all of His creation

His edict to be fruitful has caused our overpopulation, destroying the natural systems we depend on

Our vain claim that we alone possess souls allows to torture & slay all the beasts of the field at will

But, no worry, no matter what we do to this earth, faith in god yields us a place in an eternal heaven

It Broke A Libtard Snowflake's Heart

Traumatized by things not even noticed by the real men of tough conservatism

Despaired over the non-stop record high temperatures and ongoing dusty, windy droughts

Lost my shit watching BigCoal CEOs refuse to remove the mercury emissions destroying baby’s brains

Felt hopeless realizing that the sacred free market priced elephants & tuna out of existence

Even got choked up at hearing all the frogs were disappearing, or getting born with extra legs

Got PTSD absorbing coverage of Islamists slaughtering pre-teen schoolgirls with automatic weapons

Gentle cows in filthy, overcrowded feedlots and bloody, inhumane slaughterhouses broke my heart

I felt really sick as Alaska burned while all the arctic permafrost melted and belched out methane

It smacked me in the gut to learn that the entire Great Barrier Reef simply bleached out and died

Devastated learning citizens still find jobs more important than the natural systems we all depend on

Depressed by the govt’s subsidizing sugar and corn for fast food and paying for the diabetes epidemic

Stunned into silence at how easily we wasted global 9-11 goodwill by invading Iraq on false pretenses

Shamed that we wont sign treaties on kids, women, land mines, cluster bombs and chemical weapons

Nauseated seeing bloated shark corpses, with their fins sawed off, just left to rot in the open seas

Realized just how lost we really are when we extinguished the tigers to make soup of their penises

Broke my heart to see salmon, key to ecological & mythical systems, dammed up and dried out

Brought to tears seeing starving polar bears drown swimming to find their melted ice hunting grounds

That joke about how free markets would compete to provide healthcare for the poor just tore me up

Got sick to my stomach seeing martyrs gunning down different sects of the same religion, at funerals

Disheartened by eternal defense spending increases even as our infrastructure rotted all around us

Dumbfounded that a being as unnatural as a radical anti-environmentalist could ever even exist

Broke my heart to see how very, very little we care that we are the cause of a global mass extinction

Shocked at our mass slaughter of brainy dolphins and mythic albatross as mere factoryfishing bycatch

Revolted by the human-created dead zone as large as Massachusetts at the mouth of the Mississippi

Haunted by the vast micro-plastic litter spinning in our ocean gyres, mistakenly eaten by microfauna

Felt alienated by their loving choice to waddle obesely about in overpriced, super-sized P/Us & SUVs

Choked on the huge portions of dishonest soundbites I was fed by all sides, from every form of media

Stung by the rejection of sustainability as mere foolishly-useless, liberal, unpatriotic, sinful nannying

Completely deflated by our attraction to royal political families and bombastic media demagogues

Hurt by the abandonment of rationality in favor of shouted soundbites & a loudly-proud ignorance

Felt betrayed by the wanton alienation of our allies in a rush to make ourselves great again, all alone

Sickened at the notion that this vast destruction we label progress must continue indefinitely, amen

Broke my heart to see them struggle on $1 a day as we idled for fast food, in air-conditioned comfort

Came unglued hearing that every year is always the hottest ever and that our people really dont care

Dumbfounded by our legislators utter failure to address any issue that might cost votes on either side

Disgusted by that bloated corporate healthcare industry draining 20% of GDP, yet still failing millions

Broke my heart seeing how senseless, worn-out religions still drive believers to righteous slaughters

It Aint Jest That Fool Climate Change

Like that wadnt aready enuf ta make the avurege NFL fan sickta his dam stumach…

By their waya thinkin were jest drownin in all kinda like kittystrophic events jest about ta come true

They say thers some kinda global mass estintion goin on all around us and they claim were causin it

Ya got them thousandsa unregelated, manmade kemikals mixin up everwher causin cancer in babies

Yer leftwing neow-nazis believe our savur-ordained fruitfulness is outta control & overuinin the earth

Theys even wackosa tryin ta make ya blieve that $hafa triyion a year fer our dEfense is way too much

And were spossed ta pay ta fix up the shittin roads, dams, bridges, lektrik, water & innernet, too?

Like Im really worried about them stripminin the oceans and fillinem up with that micro plastic litter

Our BigAg soil stewarts wunit overuse warter, fertilizer & pesticide jist fer ther stock-based bonuses

Look, jest cuz the kids caint do percents or read leglese don’t mean they aint tamarras world leadurs

Why shud we even believe that breast milk is lousy with whoremoans from our plastic & lektronics?

I aint got time ta fret on some hoaxy clean drinkin water shortage them vegans are bawlin over now

Tetnolagy’ll solve any issues arisin over needin ta grow more food on less land fer 2bln more hindis

You bet I’m takin the threata acid in the oceans hurtin seashells real, real serious. Uh-huh.

I been losin sleep frettin over the 5 poundsa trash each of us tosses out ever day, that’s fore shore

Yeah, I almost got some time ta worry about ther habytat distruction crisis, whatever that is, anyway

But, I jest do gotta ask one more time – What’s any stinkin polar bear ever done fer me?

like they say, our lafstyle alone is robbin our kids of any chancea reachin they true potentuls: Right..

They think we caint tell butween that vast libral media conspirucy & red meat, no-spin Faux News

Ooooh, I’m like soooo worried about whatever cow antibotics creatin bugs what cud eat off my leg

Stayin up late frettin over them asiens out there stripminin the oceans – Hey! I hate fish dicks anyway

Right, like goodod Clean Coal cud somehow put whatever mercury all up in our baby’s little brains

And the Libs are tryin ta convince me that our good conservative leadrs are owned by corprations

Jest the othur day theys some wack scientest lyin bout ever gallona diesel I burn givin off 19lbsa CO₂

Anaways, I jest keep buyin up guns & ammo cuz I jest know them yella vegans wanna take em away

Oh, and, were loadin up on tofu, kale, green tea and such sh*t, too: Cuz they say its whats fer dinner

Yup, they want us ta be skinny & weak like them - But I’m takin a cue from the big boys of my NFL

We got our Medicaid & SSDI so we aint worried about no probly fishunal doctur & nurse shortages

And, the good news is, I can get me a script fer vicadin or percaset if my teeth get ta hurtin too bad

Jesus, now were spossed ta get all teary eyed about some gotdam fireflies dyin off?

Whado I care how much air pollushun them swarmin asien hords create makin producs fer Wal*Mart?

And jest what shud I do about them slum dwellers movin inta that amazon jungle & burnin it down?

Oh, and watch out! – them giant pig & chicken farms are like chokin the life outta our rivers and bays

Um, BTW, alla them skinny vegan scare tactics regardin overeatin on sugar, salt & fat – Absulute BS!

& This incume inequality biness - Jest one more socialist scare tactic ta gin up more nanny regelatin

Them ragheads aint never comin to open up on us down ta our Wal*Mart or in the Sonic drive thrus -

Cuz all we gotta do is jest bomb the shit outta them ayrabs & get on with Traditional Family Values®

Arm All Our Children, All The Time!

- But still, watch out for terrorists wearing suicide vests and truck bombers, too

TV doctors will recommend that parents tuck in infants with a sidearm cradled in their tiny fingers

Pre-school graduation shall be federally mandated to include earning a concealed carry permit

All kindergartners must drill on opening up in unison on fellow student shooters in their classrooms

The NRA shall set national standards for training & equipping children to counter school massacres

Gun lobby research will show deranged shooters will kill fewer when all potential victims are armed

One entitlement we certainly can afford is to ensure that no child is left...without a working firearm

And the security check at the school gate will guarantee that each toddler arrives locked & loaded

Target practice will be a mandatory part of our schools renewed physical education curriculum

When children get big enough, they can begin carrying assault rifles on their school backpacks as well

Proper training at home and school ensures that kids will never shoot each other over minor disputes

Our offspring won’t play with guns: Theirs will be serious training to help ensure domestic tranquility

Immediate mass youth justice for using firearms in illegal activity will cut our crime rate way down

Community playgrounds will be upgraded to have mini shooting ranges for our liberty-minded tykes

Inner-city youths will also take part, unless they are killed using their guns to commit crimes

8 year old girls can play house with new scenarios in which they neutralize nasty dollhouse invaders

Boys can play-practice sacrifice, taking a bullet in order to get off a kill shot on a schoolroom shooter

Designers will create pink guns with flowers anodized on the barrel to charm elementary school girls

Kids will clamor for the coolest fall fashions in all-day bullet-proof vests prior to every school year

Teens can really set themselves apart with their selection of death-metal weaponry and body armor

A huge youth market will open up for personalized weapons & ammo, much like tattoos and piercings

Families out for dinner can all lay their weapons out on the table where they’re easy to grab & fire

See the happy kids riding their bikes safely to school all by themselves, each one packing heavy lead

Kids down to Wal*Mart with their moms are ever ready to neutralize any threat with deadly force

Santa’s traditional outfit includes a nice wide leather belt - With a shiny .45 in a quick access holster

See the little ones bow their heads in hardened churches, each one armed against potential infidels

They are drilled to duck & roll, lie very still & play dead until they can safely return a deadly fire

Families stroll malls in patrol formation, alert to the clear & present threat of the armed & deranged

See them in a grocery cart, already scanning left & right for the odd mentally-deranged sharpshooter

Kids from good families caught out unarmed with friends will only be given a warning – The first time

Schools, churches & rec centers will be provided with weapons caches for active shooter situations

Going steady teens can exchange personalized gender-themed weapons for all their friends to see

Little libertarians everywhere will do parents proud with a perpetually-armed & angry preparedness

The oft-heard sound of automatic weapon fire will draw trained, armed kids in, like moths to a flame

Why, our children will grow up hearing so much live ammunition that they’ll be quite calm under fire

Those few, unavoidable, psychotic mass killings cannot alter our wise commitment to universal arms

So, onward for cradle to grave, 24x7x365, universal, heavily-armed, law-abiding citizen self-defense