Devolution

- Descent or degeneration to a lower or worse state

Today there’s something to those pictures that makes me already look old & faded, even way back then

Always keeping so very busy engendered in me a background sense of comforting permanency

I ran the suburbs like a vast personal savanna and then crouched in front of TV like some smoky fire

Striped cat purred on top that old wool blanket on my tired lap during a tiny fractal eddy of forever

In the morning the world seemed born again until I rejoined the angry herd, in the smog, once again

The dew, though tainted with our mistakes, still made things look very fresh and wondrously clean

My takeout beliefs had grown cold and stale just when I needed their nourishment the most

I was unconsciously framing an apology even as I lashed out in blind rage for the 9 millionth time

Swirling into a hungover consciousness, I vowed one more time that it would never happen again

I grew confused as to what year we went where on which, long-anticipated 3 day holiday weekend

I kissed her again for the first time on that golden October afternoon, knowing she was gone forever

Given our circumstances, I found my almost daily depression normal, and my rare happiness a mystery

It wasn’t until long afterward that I realized how late it had already grown, even so long ago

Slowly I convinced myself I had lost my way, though really I never had a clue as to where I was headed

As my youthful anger slowly aged to a foolish bitterness, I still hoped to distill a few drops of wisdom

Even as we made our eternal vows we both knew that simple time alone would unthinkingly undo them

My seeming hardened indifference sprang simply from my being overwhelmed by insoluble issues

My safe habits had worn a familiar groove in a very small part of an infinity of frightening possibilities

I studied myself as I slowly devolved back into that dimensionless point from which I had no memories

I saw the four short seasons of my life morphing to an endless and dreamless, dark winter’s night sleep